Today is one of those exceptionally geeky holidays, May 4, Star Wars Day. Which can only mean that the story you are about to read probably draws its inspiration from the Force.

Today’s Word:

gulosity

As in:

George Lucas announced today that he plans to create a special, special edition of all six Star Wars movies, this time using CGI robots, or “droids” in place of all the actors.

“This is *really,* *really,* the movie I wanted to make in 1977. These robots, not being real people, are much easier to direct. They have no pesky emotions, they do exactly as they are told, and they can turn into cool other creatures and ships and stuff. It’s like General Grievous, you know, and they can have built-in blasters in their hands,” noted Lucas.

Some favorite characters, such as Yoda and jar-Jar Binks, will not be changed into robots, however, they will be (or remain) completely computer generated. Characters that started as droids will remain droids, but, also be computer generated.

Lucas plans to use the the original dialog tracks from the movies to match his new robot cast’s motions. “I don’t think it will be necessary to make any changes to the droid’s features to make the dialog work. People know these movies well enough that the vocal performances alone should invoke the original performances such that no one will notice the characters are no longer people. Likely, they’ll just see the improvements, and not even question how Han Solo turns into  the Millenium Falcon,” insisted Lucas in a taped interview from Skywalker Ranch.

The re-formatted films will also be in 3D, which has been a goal of Lucas’ since 2005, when he demonstrated technology that would make it possible to adapt the films to the new format. 

Fans are expressing a great deal of displeasure at the whole project. They feel that this time, “Lucas has *actually,* really and truly gone too far. Han Solo a droid? It’s an abomination. How many times will Lucas violate his own creations just to milk them for more money? This is an outrage. I can’t believe his gulosity. It’s insatiable. All he wants is our money.”

Despite the outrage, it is expected that fans will still buy tickets, if for no other reason than to vilify the new version. They are expected to pay the premium price for 3D showings, purchase the early DVD edition without extra features, and pay again for the fully-featured DVD set with twelve bonus disks of extra features.

***************
It took me longer to write this than it normally does. I think my fingers were rebelling at having any part of such an idea.

gulosity / gyou – LA – sit – ee / greediness, esp. excessive appetite, gluttony

I am spent for the week. I think I just need to surrender. This is a somewhat grim tale, and I’m hopeful that you will not think me too repugnant for having typed it.

Today’s Word:

endomorph

As in:

Yesterday a man fulfilled his life dream of being placed in the Guinness Book of World Records. The man, whose identity is to remain secret until the annual volume of the bizarre is published, sometime next year, is the holder of the record for “Time Spent in Living Room Dead Before Being Discovered by Anybody.”

The man was discovered late yesterday after having died Dec 5, 2004. His Christmas tree, with its lights blinking, still stood, and on his lap was the television listings for that evening— a night which passed more than five years
ago.

Apparently, the body was discovered only after his landlord stopped receiving rent deposits from the man’s bank account, which had been completely drained by the electric company and the apartment complex.

The man’s goal to be the holder of the record was documented by a lengthy journal entry written two years before his death.

“I don’t care how, but I will be in that *#@*~?~ book,”  one entry began. “I even had to threaten the neighbors last week, telling them I will have to beat them if they ever again looked in on me or asked me how I was doing. Don’t they understand I have a record to break? Do they think I don’t now that the minute I have some friend or relative who remotely cares about me, my corpse will be discovered, and I can kiss that record goodbye? Why can’t they just ignore me like everybody else?”

Guinness officials admit that the previous record was a “paltry” one year, three months, twenty seven days. “This is definitely the new standard,” said one official.

The company denies any wrong doing in records such as this, maintaining that “We don’t make these people go out and alienate themselves from their families and friends, mutilate their bodies, abandon their senses, or do the most bizarre and freakish things that a sickly imaginative mind can conceive, we’re just there to record them.”

Guinness has declined to put the video tape of the man’s discovery on their television show saying, “We do occasionally opt for good taste.” and “Actually, we have no reason to show some endomorph sitting still in his living room. We have “The Amazing Lifto” and the bee guy. And please, people, don’t try this stuff at home. But if you do, we’ll be there for you…”

**************

Like I said, a bit grim. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

endomorph: / IN – doh – morf/ a short, fat person. It’s true. That’s what it means. Look it up if don’t believe me.

My days all seem backwards, and this week has felt like it has gone on for a month. This of course has nothing to do with anything, except that I’m really cutting this one very close to the end of the day, and I really don’t like cutting self-imposed deadlines this close. Not that any of this is of any particular relevance, or that I’vesaid that already.

Today’s Word:

impuissant

As in:

For decades, the elm trees of North America have been fighting a great epidemic, and dying in huge numbers, felled by the mighty fungus of the dreaded Dutch Elm Disease.

The tragedy of dead and dying trees across the American landscape is made more poignant by the fear and hatred created in the elm community over the stigma of a disease which brings  more than trunk scars and wilted yellow leaves, it brings shame and discord.

Even before much was known about the disease and its causes, those unfortunate enough to contract the disease where shunned by the other elms. Ostracized and ridiculed for their increasingly repugnant appearance, the blight became labeled a social disease, and amongst conservative elms, the message of the moment was that the disease was a punishment from God, to strike down unfaithful and promiscuous trees, those elms whose behaviors differed from the orthodoxy. The intolerant decried the diseased as deviants; wholly indiscriminate about spreading their seeds, and fostering hundreds of sucker plants.

Most of the sick, impuissant, suffering from starvation, and attacks from all sides, have attempted to defend their good names, saying that they cannot be blamed for their sickness, they are the victims, they did nothing to deserve the sickness, only to be ignored.

One of the strongest advocates for the sick and dying elms was elder-statestree, known as Garden Park Elm. the grand tree, which has stood in the center of the park for more than two centuries, contracted the illness from tainted pruning equipment. His character could not disputed, and he fought tirelessly for understanding and compassion for his fellow sufferers, until he too succumbed to the disease.

In his best know public address, Garden Park spoke of the need for elms to get past the hatred, and stand tall against a common foe. “This epidemic was not a punishment from God, it was a disease, pure and simple. We cannot run from it. We are defenseless to escape fate, and must instead pray for intervention, and stop blaming innocent trees, good trees who faced the trials with their leaves held high, and with a noble spirit.”

******************
This story was, in part, inspired by my friend Octoquad. I was mentioning the elms in my neighborhood, which tend to be chief contributors to my annual sewer problems, and he was shocked to hear of mature elms in the country. He lives in Pennsylvania, which saw much damage to its elm populations. I took the elms for granted, and cursed every volunteer I’ve had to remove, and every elms seed that’s coated my lawn.

impuissant / im – PYOO – sant / powerless, weak

I suspect this might all be getting tiresome, but, today’s story also flows from the previous story. I had no idea that any of these stories even knew each other, much less that they were related. It’s sorta rude of the stories to keep that hidden from me until the last minute. I mean really, you’d think that would’ve been nice to know before now, I could’ve tied them together in a more effective way, and planned it better. But, oh, no. No one tells the writer anything.

Today’s Word:

illaqueate

As in:

The discovery of the Panticore, a rare and unusual creature, has captured the imagination of conservation groups around the world.

“It is clear that the Earth has been granted a rare gift. One of her children has been returned. It is a miracle, and it is imperative that we don’t squander this gift. We would like to put the Panticore on the fast track to being declared a protected species, and grant it all the privileges accorded to such a creature,” announced Kristy Jenkins, a spokesperson from the World Wildlife Fund.

Legislators have been bombarded with e-mail requests to have the creature listed on the endangered species list. An account has been set up, where people can text donations to protecting the habit of the creature, and zoos around the word have been clamoring to have the first specimen on display.

All of this for a creature that did not exist until yesterday, and has not actually been proven to exist.

Many attempts have been made to illaqueate the creature. Traps have been set in previous “kill zones” and efforts to predict and track the storms of falling men have been redoubled, in hopes that this will make it easier to prove the existence of the creatures, and possibly find out more about it.

Some of the hunters have less than altruistic designs on finding the creature. Upon learning that it was worth 9,000 XP, many have formed small groups, armed with all sorts of tools, to find the creature and “level-up.” Many of these types of groups have made claims that they spotted one of the creatures, but, were unable to defeat it, and others claim they have defeated at least one of these creatures, but failed to collect any substantive evidence.

“Of course, *if* the creature is proven to exist, and *if* the creature is linked to the human rains, well, then, logically, it will disappear again as soon as El Nino has run its  course, which should be soon. It’s sort of a self-correcting problem. And all of this is a big ‘if.’ Frankly, I can’t believe this story has gotten as much mileage as it has. People need to calm down and wait for these ridiculous stories to have some backing by solid evidence. Right now, it’s just a bunch of hearsay,” said Dr. Leon Kentworthy. “This has really just gotten out of hand, and needs to stop.”

**********************
Okay. I think that’s the last we’ll see of the Panticore. Probably.

illaqueate  /eh LAK wee ayt/  to entangle, entrap, ensnare

I am starting to seriously suspect that sleep deprivation and the fact that Mercury being in retrograde have pushed my sanity over the edge. Though, that’s probably the sleep deprivation talking.

I had not really intended to link today’s story with yesterday’s story, but, it needed some “filling out,” and they seemed to be a good pairing. Like red wine and beef, or Dr. Pepper and Taco Bell.

Today’s Word:

adduce

As in:

Authorities have begun to alert the public regarding a very dangerous creature on the loose. The creature, long thought to be a myth, is a relative of the Manticore, and is known as a Panticore.

The terrifying, man-eating creature has the body of a lion, and a head resembling panties. Glimpses of the monster have been seen following the bizarre “Rain of Men” storms, devouring the remains of the precipitation.

To adduce the existence of the creature, several eyewitnesses have provided impressions of the tracks left by the creature. Some of the tracks resemble talons, or the feet of dragons. Others look like the feet of lions, matching their bodies. It is unclear whether these are the same species of creature or two separate species.

Adding to the intrigue surrounding the creature, in addition to the skeletons of human prey, many of the kill zones are littered with the indigestible parts of iPads. The only theory on  why these are found amongst the debris is that they function as some sort of after dinner mint, and the creatures have found them an additional enticement to choose a particular human.

Some scientists have speculated that the Panticore might only appear, like rarely blooming desert plants, after a series of “Man Rains.” Since there has been no record of such storms, and the creature had appeared to be a myth, it is possible that the two appear in conjunction. These creatures might simply be nature’s way of handling the introduction of large volumes of digestible flesh to the ecosystem, and returning it to balance.

It is further speculated that the creature is nomadic by nature, can become invisible, likes to shelter amongst lilac bushes, has a strange entrancement ability, low-light vision, and worth 9,000 XP.

Experts agree that the scientists involved in investigating these events should probably get some sleep, because their theories appear to be based on something other than actual evidence, and sounded more like they’d just been up late reading the newest Monster Manual.

*******************
Today is Babe Ruth Day, but, it is also National Tell a Story Day. I hope this is story will suffice.

adduce / AD – dus / to offer as an example, reason, or proof in discussion or analysis

This story came out of a discussion I had with my sister Carah this weekend. I didn’t know it was going to go anywhere until I remembered it was an El Nino year, which means the weather is all wonkier than normal.

Today’s Word:

sarcology

As in:

Scientists are baffled by the newest weather phenomena attributed to the El Nino weather pattern. Literally translated as “little boy,” due to the fact that the current tends to appear around Christmas time, the El Nino effect seems to be linked, in more than name, to a very bizarre and disturbing rain seen in a few places around North America in the last few weeks.

This rain, where fully grown men have been observed falling to the ground from high in the atmosphere, has made literal the lyrics to the hit song “It’s Raining Men” by The Weather Girls.

Scientists skilled in sarcology have determined that the men matured to adult size in a matter of minutes, rather like hail stones growing in size as they are suspended in the air until they become have enough to fall to the ground. In this case, the “men” started as little boys from someplace high in the atmosphere, and floated along, gaining layers and growing to the size of small adults before plummeting.

While the extent of the damage upon impact was severe, investigators are certain that the men, if they were ever actually alive, were killed long before they met the ground and experienced the resulting horrific soft tissue damage.

“Actually, the ‘good’ news is that the first layer of male-like corpses suffered the greatest damage, but, once the ground was covered, the later arrivals suffered less damage. The first layer acted like a cushion, and gave us the opportunity to get much better insight on the phenomena as a whole,” said forensic specialist Kimball Gates. “From my preliminary samples, the brain tissue appears to be identical to very young humans, babies or very young boys. This is in direct conflict with the maturity of their bodies.”

Some researchers are not even attempting to interpret these findings. These skeptics are certain the whole thing is a hoax. “Full-grown men falling from the sky as a weather phenomena? Ludicrous. People just don’t materialize out of thin air, and even the smallest baby would’ve been heavy enough to fall to the ground. There is no way even a little boy could’ve stayed afloat in the atmosphere long enough to accumulate layers. It’s beyond absurd.” noted Dr. Leon Kentworthy.  

***************
Time to stop for the night.  Sleep is good.

sarcology / SAR – col – o – gee / the study of the soft, fleshy parts of the body.

In some ways, today’s story has been years in the making. I have thought about this particular “What if” for at least two decades. I always wanted to do something with the idea, but, this was before there was such a thing as the Word of the Day. I’m not sure how I didn’t put it together before yesterday, that they were made for each other, but, that’s sometimes how my brain works. Anyway, the idea is simple: The Lord of the Rings would’ve been so very, very different if the fellowship had just had cars.

Today’s Word:

revehent

As in:

The company spent many days in the good House of Elrond, for Elrond’s house was perfect, whether you like singing, or reading, or eating, or detailing your new vehicle in preparation for a major road trip.

The party took their leave of Elrond, and began their long journey, their revehent mission to rid Middle Earth of The One Ring. They packed their supplies in the back of the bus, and made Pippin go before they left, because the next rest stop was several hours away. They took a full iPod, loaded with audio recordings of all the great poetry, The Tale of Beren and Lúthien, The Children of Húrin, and of the Valar.

The vehicle rumbled down the road toward unimaginable dangers, and the darkness of Mount Doom. As the bus cleared the outer border of Rivendale, Sam called out: “Wait! I forgot the rope! We’ve got to go back!”

And return they did.

A few hours later, already weary of the landscape rushing past them, Merry called out, “Hey, everyone, it’s a Flying J! Can we stop? We’re totally out of Cool Ranch Doritos, and Pippin ate all the Sun Chips, and I don’t feel so good. I think I’m car sick.”

“I did not! That was, um, that was Strider! Have you ever seen how much he can eat?” Pippin’s case would’ve likely been more credible without the empty bags littering the floor under his seat.

“HOBBITS! Don’t make me have to pull this vehicle over! We can’t stop yet, we need to make The Misty Mountains before dark!  You know what they’re like. I want to make sure we have shoulder room to put the chains on the bus if the roads are icy!” Gandalf looked dangerous when he yelled like that, and the bus grew silent.

The next day, the journey over the mountain pass was treacherous, but, Aragorn deftly navigated the hairpin turns, and brought them to into the land beyond. “The next rest stop is in Lothlórien, and they don’t have bus parking close to the restrooms. We’ll have to park  and hike in to sleep for the night. Also, Galadriel hates buses. She finds then tacky and obscene gas-guzzlers. She won’t go near anything with four-wheels, unless it gets 50 miles to the gallon, and has satellite radio and a GPS. You know how the elves are. Pretentious lot.”

Legolas glowered, but, his face, still puffy from the Botox, did not change.

The party continued to grow restless, getting touchy at the slightest provocation.

“Gandalf! Merry is sitting on my side of the seat! And he’s my air,, and sniffing it back on me!” Pippin whined a mere day out of Lorien. Eventually, everyone was sitting on their own bench seat, spread out through the vehicle. Boromir kept twitching his head toward Frodo.

“Keep your eyes off, you pervy Hobbit fancier!” yelled Sam. The group lapsed into silence.

One day, as they got to the mouth of the great river, they stopped for a picnic. They watched the motorcycling Riders of Rohan knocking some Orc heads, but, they encountered no opposition, and sped past armies of Orcs.

Finding the delivery entrance to Mordor, they drove in, sauntered up Mount Doom, dropped the Ring, and toured a few sights. Merely a week after they started on their quest, they were done. All that was left, was to take a few snapshots, buy some postcards, and head home.

All agreed that this was probably the most boring quest in the history of Middle Earth.

**********************
Of course, when I had this thought, the villains never had cars. No idea why. I always imagined they trucked the thing to Mordor, and dropped it off after a few days driving, no muss, no fuss.

revehent / REV – eh – hint / carrying back

This has been a challenging week for me, and there have been times when I almost gave up, surrendered to the onslaught of this daily posting schedule. It was tempting to  simply not post when I have been behind, staying up late, and getting up early writing nothing while I waited for ideas. It was tempting.  But, we’re into the fourth month of the year, and despite a high number of close calls, I’ve made it. I’m feeling good about that, and I don’t want to disappoint myself, or you, my loyal readers.

So, give yourselves a pat on the back for me. we’ve gotten this far, and we’re going to keep it up.

Today’s Word:

zymurgy

As in:

An eccentric mortician, tired of horrifying traffic accidents caused by drunk drivers, is trying to tried to prevent people from over-indulging in the products of the evil science of zymurgy.  His plan, sheer elegance in its simplicity, is to sober drivers up with the offer of free cremation to those whose indulgences led them to a tragic end.

The mortician, who many think of as something of a kook, has had a number of unusual ways to promote his own peculiar ideas.

He is most known for his battles against a wide range of modern technological advances. He refers to the conveniences of the era as “devilish wizardry,” and avoids incorporating these “evil plots of Satan” in his house. These evil advancements include electricity, plumbing and windmills. According to him, these devices bring sin into people’s lives, the sins of sloth and vanity.

In his work as undertaker focuses, he is a practitioner of green burials, in which the deceased is not embalmed for burial, nor are they placed in ornate, expensive, and slow-to-decompose coffins. Instead, they are simply wrapped  in a simple shroud, and allowed to decompose naturally, as people have decomposed since the world was new.

He operates his own hand-made crematorium, which he has nicknamed the “Pit of Eternal Fire,” in reference to his free cremation offer. He built it to “consume in Holy Flame the wickedness of the flesh” and “cleanse the community of the urge to any kind of excess, including addictions, phlegm, pounds, or wealth.”

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Bonus points for people who recognized “sheer elegance in its simplicity.” To claim the points, you can send me note, twenties and fifties are fine, with one correct example of its usage, and your imaginary account will fill up with 100,000 imaginary and totally useless points. Void where prohibited. Notes non-refundable.

zymurgy \ ZI-mer-jee \ the branch of chemistry dealing with fermentation. Therefore, the products of zymurgy include alcohol. And yes, there really was a guy in Florida who offered free cremations to those people who died in drunk driving accidents during the holiday season many years ago.

Hoy es miércoles y Día de las Profesiones Administrativas. Wait. Sorry. Today is Wednesday, and also Administrative Professionals Day, which is the *totally* renamed Secretary’s Day. This is the first time I’ve worked in such a roll, and I’ve gotten a lovely plant and got taken to a lovely lunch.

Also, I did want to set the record straight, because people have thought I made it all up. The “star” of yesterday’s story is an actual, real Pharaoh, maybe. Here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Djedefptah. His mummy has not been found, and he may be a myth, but, that was sorta the point, right?

And before the Egyptologists beat me up, yes, I do know that Annubis is the God of mummification and the afterlife who gets sorta preempted by Osiris when those Middle Kingdom upstart Pharaohs took over the place, and ruined everything.

For the rest of you who don’t give one hairy hindquarter about any of this, I’ll shut up and let you get on with…

Today’s Word:

paronomasia

As in:

Earthquake relief donations of all sorts have been finding their way to Haiti for the last 3 months. Aid workers have been tasked with sorting the supplies and getting them to where they are most needed.

Sometimes, the objects sorted have obvious utility. Water, clothes, food and medical supplies are easy to prioritize and process. Other items are more cryptic.

“This box says ‘Solar-powered Bibles.’ What? Aren’t all Bibles, or all books for that matter, solar-powered? Open in the sun. Read. Done. Who needs these?” commented Aid worker Dennis Klein.

“Maybe they’re actually powered by the Son,” said Jurgen Van Houten, who had become well-known for his paronomasia. He waited for the requisite groans from his barbaric comrades, who were not nearly cultured enough to appreciate his linguistic gymnastics.

“It seems like they’re hand held audio devices. A spoken-word, solar-powered Bible. For people who can’t read. Oh, look! It’s in Haitian Creole. That’s thoughtful,” said Anne Pollen. “But, you can’t eat them, or shelter under them. I’m not sure what to do with these.”

Dennis looked thoughtful. “Maybe we sell them? We won’t get but a fraction of what they are worth, especially after shipping them to someplace to sell them, but…”

Anne stopped him. “There’s a note! It says that these are to bring hope and comfort, so that the people of Haiti can be reassured that God loves them. That’s very cheery, I guess. I’m going to put them over here with the other things of less-than-immediate utility.”

She took the large box over to the pile of oddities. There were stacks of Burger King paper crowns, and some sports equipment. A cache of winter clothing, polar survival gear, and snow shovels filled one corner, in another, a small collection of television sets and a collection of Yanni CDs. 

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So, Jen gets the the credit of pushing this story over the edge from lame idea to full-blown actual story. It just had some gelling to do overnight. It maybe could’ve used another day to gel, but that’s my fault.

This is based on a true story. A group did send a bunch of these solar-powered bibles to Haiti: http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE60I02S20100119

paronomasia / pair – ah – no – MAY – zia / a play on words, pun