I had half-written the story for tonight, *last* night, before I went to bed, only to find that was mostly a dream, and not actually typed. So, here’s a very strange story, inspired by a very strange word.
The poor, confused, linguistically challenged Howard, was desperately trying to understand why the nurses continued to torture his roommate. He could not understand how they could justify giving the poor man false hopes of ever leaving the “Happy Home Asylum for the Extremely Confused.” Everyone knew that if there was ever a patient that would never leave the confines of “Happy Home” it was Mr. Schmertz.
Mr. Schmertz was the most feared resident of “Happy;” all the others knew of his penchant for tripping, punching and kicking the residents. He had an unfortunate habit of standing in front of the restroom to bar entrance to those all-important facilities. His preferred tactic was to stand at the doorway, and begin to engage the needy visitor in an egregiously inane conversation.
As the victim’s need escalated in immediacy, the insufferable Mr. Schmertz would patiently block the entrance, holding the unfortunate soul within tantalizing reach of his/her necessary and urgent destination. If the person showed any signs of boredom or made any motion towards the inviting door, Mr. Schmertz would simply beat them senseless. Those who could manage the ordeal without the smallest sign of boredom or inference to the urgency of their need, would be permitted to enter the facility by the grim warden.
Such a man could never be allowed to leave the home, Howard was sure.
Of course, Howard’s confusion about the nurses’ discussion of Mr. Schmertz’s activities stemmed from his lingual deficiencies, and from overhearing one of the nurses say that Mr. Schmertz’s activities were worthy of a taxi. Poor Howard had unfortunately not known that what the nurses had really said was “Mr. Schmertz’s activities were ataxy.”
For some things in life, there are no words. And yet, there is this one.
ataxy: / a TAXI / n. Disturbance of bodily functions, especially that of motion.