Clearly, important people are reading the Wordof the Day, because, there was a story about obesity being national security threat. It’s just a new angle on yesterday’s story.

There are some days when ideas come easy. This was not one of them. I’m hoping tomorrow is better. If anyone has a spare idea lying about, I’m perfectly happy to adopt it, give it a good home, “punch” it up a bit, all of that.

Today’s Word:

thanatopsis

As in:

Several weeks ago,when the famed Moore expedition discovered the tomb of an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh and was beset by a series of inexplicable “accidents,” many people were quick to blame the events on a curse pf the mummy. The expedition leaders dismissed the speculation. “It’s ridiculous. There’s no such thing as a mummy’s curse. Do you really think the mummy can rise and and exact vengeance on the people who ‘disturbed its eternal slumber?’ This isn’t some Hollywood movie. It’s just people being hyper-attuned to the littlest problems, and blaming them on a fanciful story.”

Of course, fanciful stories sometimes turn out to have a nugget of truth. On occasion, it’s a large nugget.

The world was even more shocked when it learned that the mummy, who was an unconfirmed ruler from the Old Kingdom, by the name of Djedefptah, has indeed returned to life.

For centuries, people have discussed and speculated on the nature of death, and this miraculous occurrence has lead to many a thanatopsis. The awakened Djedefptah offers few answers, but is enjoying a new-found status as celebrity, and is booked on talk-shows all over the world.

“Well, I can’t tell you much about what it is like to be dead, unfortunately. I just woke up one day. I didn’t even know I was supposed to be dead, and then I caught sight of myself in a mirror! Holy Horus, what a mess I am! yikes! I was just glad to be alive.”

“So, you didn’t cause all the accidents in the expedition?” asked one journalist, at the mummy’s first press conference.

“Of course not. That’s just coincidence. I’ve never heard of mummy rising from the dead, those curse things never work. Well, I guess this once.”

Another journalist asked how he could speak English.

“I have no idea. The doctors tell me I have no lungs any more, and that my brain was pulled out of my head through my nose. Your guess is as good as mine. I’m pretty much a walking miracle, thank Ma’at, I guess. Light as a feather after all. And my uncle was an atheist! Ha! This’ll show him! Huh. Yeah…”

There was an awkward silence. Another brave soul risked another question. “When you awoke, did you feel any urge to avenge yourself on those who had awoken your eternal rest?”

Djedefptah laughed. “Those priests sure have lively imaginations, don’t they? Why in the name of Osiris would I kill someone who’d awoken me? I AM ALIVE. That’s pretty much much better than dead. I’d like to give them all a reward. Of course, I’m told that the royal family doesn’t really have much influence in the world any more. Um, maybe he would take a nice sarcophagus? I’m not using mine any more.”

A reporter said something that couldn’t be heard. The former Pharaoh, even with his tight, dark, leathery skin, blanched. “A woman? It was a woman that defiled my tomb?! No woman shall…. Can…”

As his words trailed off, he fell into a heap, seemingly felled by his sudden disbelief.

*******************
I think that might’ve turned out better than I’d hoped or imagined. I had no idea.

thanatopsis / thann – ah – TOP – sis / a meditation on the subject of death.

 I am not really ready for it to be Monday.  While there were a few bright spots to the weekend, it had more than its fair share of frustration, and I didn’t get as much done as I had hoped. Of course, I say that almost every weekend, since I always tend to over-estimate how much I can reasonably expect to get done. 

Today’s Word:

imbroglio

As in:

Today, Surgeon General Regina M. Benjamin called for drastic measures to fight obesity, going so far as to declare war on weight.

In making this declaration, Benjamin is preparing to launch a full-scale offensive to eradicate the condition of obesity first from our nation’s youth, and then from the entire population.

General Benjamin, tired of being a staid political appointee, has decided that the title “Surgeon General” should no longer belong to a peaceful, quiet and passive post, but should be one that is entitled to troops and equipment.

In this case, General Benjamin is requesting that the war be fought on two fronts. “First, I’d like to reinstate the draft, but the draftees will not be from those registered with their selected service. I want to draft obese children from the elementary schools. These kids will be subjected to a rigorous regimen of diet and exercise. They will be trained as soldiers in the war on fat, armed with education and discipline, to go back to their homes where they will wage war against their parents and teachers. They will bring with them the knowledge and skills teach the adults around them to shed their own excess pounds. It’s time to get serious about this problem, one which cannot be addressed without lasting, radical changes to our diet and our levels of activity.”

Says Benjamin, “I’m also fed up with all the other Generals thinking I’m not fit to command.  Well, I’ll show them. When faced with the imbroglio of this national health problem that has only gotten worse decade after decade, I’m making a clear and decisive plan of action. In declaring war on obesity, I’m going to put a stop to this epidemic. I want people to know that the Surgeon General is more than a warning on a cigarette label. The Surgeon General needs to take an active role in combating the nation’s health problems, and that is what I intend to do.”

* * * * * * * * *
I’m tempted to be drafted into the nation’s “fighting fatties.” I wonder if they’re going to be paid, and if so, well, it might e time to enlist.

imbroglio / em-BROHG-le-yo / an involved and confusing situation.

This little story was one I wrote with a very different intent a few weeks ago. I made some changes about a week ago, and hadn’t intended to post it yet, but, I had run out of ideas on what to write for today, and decided to use it.

Today is College in Colorado Day, which is meant to show the importance of higher education for Colorado’s youth. Now, this is a worthy goal in and of itself, but, more importantly, it means I got to wear a college-related t-shirt to work today (instead of something more ‘professional’) AND free Qdoba chips and queso and free Cold Stone ice cream cones to people wearing college gear, at locations all across the Front Range.

Today’s Word:

egregious

As in:

Mrs. Anne Reynolds, housewife, had been called to Norman Vincent Peale Middle School to talk with the principal regarding her son Johnny. Johnny had never had problems at school, but the office had not been forthcoming, and she worried that perhaps that rowdy math club had gotten themselves into trouble.

She waited outside the office, sitting on the bench reserved for all manner of reprobates, hope that she didn’t look guilty, or reveal how nervous she felt. What would people think to see her sitting there?  The anxiety of getting called to “the office” did not change with the passage of time, and she felt singularly conspicuous.

Finally, the door cracked, and the principal welcomed her inside.

“Mrs. Reynolds, Johnny is egregious, and that is the reason for this meeting.”

“What?” Her voice shook. “My Johnny? i don’t believe you. He’s never been a bit of trouble. Who told you this? Whoever it is, is lying.”

The principal looked confused. “I think you misunderstood. “He’s exceptional. That’s all. It’s a good thing.”

It was Mrs. Reynold’s turn to look confused. “But, you said he is egregious. I must take offense at that. He is a good boy, and not ‘egregious’ in any way.”

“My dear woman, egregious means just that. He’s not simply good; he’s exceptional. We wish to promote him two full grade levels, and possible accelerate his coursework even as he enjoys a new baseline level of learning rigor.”

“But, egregious, that not ‘exceptional,’ it’s bad.  It always precedes the word ‘errors’ or ‘mistakes.’ ”

The principal tried to make it clear that this was a common misunderstanding, until finally he pulled his large, ancient looking unabridged dictionary off the shelf and showed her the entry. She scowled.

“When was that book published?’

“Madam. That has absolutely no bearing on the matter. It is a dictionary. They do not have an expiration date.”

Mrs. Reynolds reached into her bag, and pulled out a dictionary of her own. She flipped to the entry for egregious, and pointed. “It says here that that meaning is archaic.”

The principal squinted, and scowled.

Mrs. Reynolds, now feeling quite at ease, looked at the principal and asked, “Now, what were you wanting to me about my brilliant son?”

****************

I won’t go into the original version of this story, except to say, that I was pretty much the principal.  Language, as I should be intimately aware, is a living creature, and it changes. So,  go out and enjoy the power of education, and some free junk food! Happy Friday!

egregious / eh – GREE – jus / 1. distinguished, exceptional. (archaic)   2 : conspicuous; especially : conspicuously bad or flagrant

Most of you are thinking that it it’s tax day,  and that there are a bunch of people panicking about the fact that they’ve got to get their taxes done and submitted.  However, even though I just wrote about that panic, I am reminder of another fateful April 15. This one is from 1912, and involves a little ship called the RMS Titanic.

This is a story I wrote in 1997 for the Oscars that year. You might recall that Titanic took the top honors. I am inclined to ignore that recollection.  For this Oscar series, I wrote a number of scenes that had been “left on the cutting room floor.” This is one of those deleted scenes.

Today’s Word:

gongoozler

As in:

The scene is the dark ocean. Rose is sitting upon a plank of wood, and Jack, in irons, is holding onto the edge, and trying not to freeze to death. Just when it seems he will slip into the depths, a
man, apparently breathing underwater, swims over to him, grabs him around the waist, and takes him to a warm, undersea city. The city is filled with lights, and seems to be the home of aliens or
creatures that can manipulate water. Several oxygen-atmosphere areas in this city have been created out of the salt water, and people resembling the strange man who brought Jack here, are wandering  about. The hero, known by the others here as “The Mariner” is a mutant, and has webbed-feet and gills. The Mariner is played by Kevin Costner. He pulls Jack over to a quiet area.

“So, kid. I brought you here because this story needs a happy ending. When they try to make a movie about this story years from now, they will spend $200 million on it, and without a happy ending, it’ll flop. I know. They’ll probably get Cameron to direct it, and he’ll try to make it some sappy love story, where the leading man throws himself into the abyss and is saved by some spacy alien/under-water dwellers or some such nonsense. No siree, it’s time to save high-budget movie making from its bad rap. He’s nothing but a gongoozler, staring as if he knows what he’s doing. We’re going to make this thing work. Stick with me kid.”

Jack, who looks absolutely bewildered by this weirdo,  has no idea who Cameron is, nor how there exists $200 million in the world to do anything, just nods. He tells this wacko that he’s just glad to be alive, and wants to be reunited with Rose. The strange mutant obliges, and, fitting him with some breathing apparatus and an insulated outfit, he takes him to the coast of America, where the Carpaithia has just docked. He sets out to find Rose DeWitt Bukater, not knowing that she has changed her name to Rose Dawson. He never finds her.

****************************
Cameron cut this scene because it was too meta, and less emotionally satisfying. Have a good day, all.

gongoozler: / gone – GOOZ – ler / One who stares for hours at anything out of the ordinary.

When I don’t get these sent out before I go to work, my whole day sorta goes blewey. I have no idea how to spell “blewey,” which is OK, since it’s onomatopoetic. Look it up. It’s good for you.

Today’s Word:

irrefragable

As in:

Under a new proposal, beggars may be given the ability to accept credit cards.

The plan, which was proposed by a number of town mayors across the nation, is to equip beggars and other homeless people with special card readers so that donations can be made with the swipe of a credit card. Eighty percent of the donation will then go to local homeless shelters and related charities, and the remaining portion will be awarded to the industrious solicitor.

“No one denies the irrefragible evidence that there is a large homeless problem in cities across this nation. City governments receive thousands of complaints each year about the number and persistence of the city’s homeless population. Ordinances are passed every year to try and control the problem. It¹s time we put the persistence of the panhandler to good use, and have a solution to the problem once and for all,” commented a spokesperson.

While it is difficult to predict how much money might be collected through the program, some estimate that there could be millions collected. If the program is especially successful, there is a discussion that the panhandlers might take charitable donations for a number of other types of charities, and might even take contributions to “bail-out” impoverished governments suffering from the pangs of the coffer-emptying recession. “When your city can no longer pay to turn on streetlights, well, maybe this sort of program starts looking really good,” noted one city leader.

Many citizens are looking forward to the plan’s implementation. Some of those most interested in the plan’s implementation are those who are unemployed, but not yet homeless. Those who’ve been employed for the longest are feeling desperate, and are considering signing up to collect donations, thinking that it could be a good job to dress as a “bum” and solicit donations.

“With 14% unemployment, and the prospect of a 20% commission, it’s really very tempting. It’s just fund raising. I did that at my last job, but, I’ve been out of work for more than a year, and haven’t been able to find anything,” says Lauren Graf. “this might fill the gaps that unemployment doesn’t cover.”

The plan is not without its detractors. Some feel that it will only encourage people to be homeless and take advantage of this lucrative business opportunity. “Yeah, I’d say this was an incentive to be homeless,” said one man. “Those bums will never get off the street now.”

********
There actually was such a proposal in San Francisco about a decade ago. Maybe it would be a good thing to re-visit.

irrefragable / EAR – raa – fradge – able / that which cannot be refuted.

The television show, 24, will be wrapping up its run at the end of this season. What you may not know is that the show had a far reaching affect on more than popular culture.

Today’s Word:

morasmus

As in:

In September 2001, the world was shocked by a series of attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. The following month, President George W. Bush signed the Patriot Act. In November, 24 premiered with a story about  the Counter-Terrorism Unit (CTU) working to prevent the assassination of an African-American presidential candidate on the day of the California primary in 2002.  President Bush watches the show with great interest.

“Dick! I need to know about this Operation Nightfall. Did I authorize an assassination attempt in Kosovo?”

“No, Mr. President. You did not. It bears repeating at this point that you are watching a work of fiction.”

“I know that. I just wanted to check. Besides, I wasn’t really President when Slobodan Milosevic was in power, right?”

“That is correct, sir.”

In January of 2002, Guantanamo Bay began being used as a detention facility for prisoners of the war on terror. According to some, President Bush sometime asked about one inmate in particular, a man called Victor Drazen, saying “They failed to kill him in Kosovo…”

Later, the President became increasingly convinced there was a mole in his administration. He was certain it was a woman. He had no good evidence for this, but, he felt sure it was so, and cited “an unusual source,” for his suspicions. In 2003, Valerie Plame was revealed by the Bush administration to be a CIA agent working undercover. From that point on, she was no longer a threat to the administration, nor able to work as a CIA agent.

By 2005, staffers knew not to interrrupt the President while he attended his special weekly “intelligence briefing” which happened every Monday night from January through May.

“Do you ever wonder when they eat? They never seem to stop and eat. They’re running for 24 hours straight, but, they never seem to stop for food or to go to the bathroom. They’re really something, aren’t they?”

“Mr. President, we’ve gone over this. This show isn’t real. We have more important things to do than worry about the morasmus of fictional characters.”

The President didn’t appear to hear. Or, maybe he was completely confused by the word “morasmus.”

“I should get this Jack Bauer to Gitmo. He’d get those prisoners to talk, I know he would. We’d finally know what they’ve been hiding. He wouldn’t even need to use the water-boarding.”

“Tell me what I need to do in Sangala. That situation looks bad. Can we get the UN involved? There are people killing kids there.”

“Mr. President, Sangala isn’t a real country. It’s made-up for the show. There’s nothing we can do.”

“Don’t tell me what I can’t do. I want someone to do something about this situation in Africa. I am the President of the United States of America. I may not be a David Palmer, rest his soul, but, I should be able to do something about a genocide.”

*******************
Please note: This is a work of fiction. It would be ridiculous to think that 24, in any way, influenced the Bush administration. Probably.

morasmus / MORE – as – muss / a condition of chronic undernourishment.

I had a very odd weekend, in which I got very little done, which put me very behind today. So, I am typing this as I’m thinking about what tomorrow’s story shall be, and hoping this works for…

Today’s Word:

nepheligenous

As in:

A study by researchers in Britain found that more than 30% of teenage girls take up smoking in order to lose weight.

“This is a disturbing trend in habits of teenage girls. I am at loss to understand why this nepheligenous habit is thought to positively impact the
health  of young women.  I suspect this represents a new marketing campaign by tobacco companies,” said one researcher.

The researcher notes one particular e-mail  advertisement which discusses their fool-proof weight-loss plan, which involves smoking three packs of cigarettes a day.  It is unclear what the spammer gains by encouraging teenagers to smoke, however the return e-mail address was noted as being cammelsaresocool @ smokemail.com, and was registered to a tobacco farmer in Virginia.

While it is well known that nicotine is an appetite suppressant and works to increase the metabolism , which does  result in weight loss, it is hard to effectively compare the two different health conditions, thereby choosing between health-related evils. The only side-effects to this weight loss solution would be the addiction to nicotine, lung disease and cancer.

While some people contend that most diets, with their focus on changing eating habits and doing exercise unfairly discriminate against the lazy who want to lose weight, but, don’t wish to put in any effort, most agree that these plans have greater long term benefits.

Other odd trends have been identified by researchers, including an upsurge in the numbers of people trying to quit smoking by eating glass, which, incidentally, also leads to weight loss, if the person survives.

Another  group of people is attempting to exercise more by watching
television without their remote controls, which forces them to get up to make changes to the channel, or, up on the commercial breaks to turn down the volume.

Other activities that people have tried which seem contraindicated by the goals desired include a 15% increase in the number of people trying to prevent speeding by removing the brakes on their automobiles, a group of environmental activists trying to stop the depletion of the world’s forests by writing five page letters to a mailing list of ten million people on non-recycled paper, and a violent television show that advocates less violent television.

*********************

I agree. Diet plans do discriminate against the lazy, and it makes me pretty angry. Still, I really can’t be bothered to do anything about it.

nepheligenous / NEF-eel-eh-GEN-ous / producing clouds of smoke. From the Greek word for cloud.

I had one of those sleepless nights where you don’t do much but wrestle the blankets and the pillows, and you wake up more tired than when you went to bed.   It really makes me wish I could stay home today and try again. Or maybe not.  Because this night of sleeplessness was not last night.  I lied. I was  stalling while my mind  tried desperately to come up with a story idea to go along with…

Today’s Word:

faineant

As in:

A cold, dark night had given way to the chaos of a crime scene. The body lay, covered by a large sheet, just under the shadow of a tall wall. The detectives make bets on how soon it would be before the high-profile nature of the case would draw media attention, and worried about the political implications for the death of a high-ranking political figure, murder or not. It was not every day that they were called upon to investigate the circumstances surrounding the death of a well-known egg, and H. Dumpty, Minister of Finance, was about as high-profile as you could get. All the cold open needed was a wise-cracking detective to make a joke about how the victim should’ve asked to be served “over-easy” instead of “scrambled.”

When all the King’s staff had failed to resurrect the fallen egg from her great height, it was time for the crack team of crime scene investigators to analyze and gather information from the scene. The team collected a number of samples, took hundreds of photos, and returned to their labs, committed to finding out what had happened.

“It was definitely murder. Tox screen turned up a high concentration of poison in her albumin. It could have been ingested, but I believe it was injected. I found a small injection site near her crown, which would have been nearly impossible for her to reach, and there were no other toxins or substances found in her system.”

“The concentration of poison suggested that the killer was taking no chances. It was more than enough to kill her outright. We’re still running a few tests to see if she had died on the wall, and then fell, or whether  she was still alive when she plummeted,” explained the geeky looking guy in the lab coat.

“Do you want to hear the really bad news?” He continued “The egg was fertilized.  Probably about 5-6 days ago.  Any candler worth his or her salt would’ve noticed. Did anyone know Humpty was expecting? Because, it is possible that the father of Humpty’s unborn child is involved.”

One of the grim looking detectives from the crime scene said, “That opens up a whole new set of motives.  A possible heir to the Dumpty fortune would be huge news, but, the person who would otherwise stand to inherit the fortune is an elderly bird in Sausalito. She’d have problems wingin’ it here from the home, much less sneak up on her niece at the top of a tall wall.  Maybe the father didn’t want his identity revealed when the pregnancy got out in the next few weeks.””

“Could the motive be political? Dumpty was not well-respected as Minister of Finance. Her wall-sitting led many people to the impression that she was little more than a faineant.  In addition to her supposed work ethic, many people thought the only thing she could balance was herself, which, admittedly, is not an easy task for an egg.”

“It had to be someone who knew she liked to sit on that wall, and they tried to make it look like an accident.”

“Everyone knew she liked to sit on that wall.  The only reason it wasn’t swarmed with paparazzi day and night was that it was too tall to get a good picture, which Humpty knew well.”

“The splatter pattern indicates that someone, or something was standing near the impact site. Probably less than three feet away. Whatever was there would have been covered in quite a mess. So, I guess the yolk’s on them…”

The others glared at him.

“OK, OK, I couldn’t resist.”

The detective grimaced. “What if the yolk guy is the killer?”

“Well, if so we’ll find him. It’s not so easy to get egg off your face…”

*****************************
I figured that doing a story where there was a bunch of lab guys investigate a famous dead chick and solve her murder would probably boost my ratings, so, it had to be done. Of course, I didn’t actually solve her murder, did I? Maybe next week. Same time, same station.

faineant / fa – na – AH / an irresponsible idler

Has this week been weird for you? It has been for me.  I’m glad it’s almost over.

Today’s Word:

acapnotic

As in:

Recently, a man in Iowa filed a lawsuit against his acapnotic neighbor contending that his neighbor has “caused him egregious amounts of pain and suffering, contributed to his poor health and inflicted inordinate amounts of mental anguish.”

The plaintiff, Jacob Lawton,  believes that the “subtle, yet undeniable criticism of his neighbor” actually encouraged the plaintiff to increase his utilization of nicotine and led to an advanced case of lung cancer. The neighbor admits he often warned the plaintiff of the dangers inherent in excessive smoking, but, says he is not guilty of causing mental anguish.

Lawton contends that the “holier-than-thou” attitude of his “vegetarian, tee-totaling, Bible- thumping, cross-wearing, hymn singing, alms giving, Pollyanna grinning, goodness and light spreading sick-o” neighbor has led him to a life of misery.” Lawton further asserts that the pressure and guilt he felt living next to this “pillar of the community” for 20 years has led him to smoke 10 packs of cigarettes a day and drink excessive amounts of alcohol, which has caused a severe case of liver damage as well as lung cancer.

The neighbor, Carlos Solano, believes that the lawsuit is beyond ridiculous, and expects that the court will throw out what he considers a frivolous lawsuit. “I’m being sued for peer pressure? That’s got to be a first of some kind. I didn’t talk to to Mr. Lawton very often, and only occasionally did I mention how good it felt to breathe the good morning air that the Lord provided. Once I mentioned that my uncle died of lung cancer from smoking, but, that was because I wanted to see if Mr. Lawton would water my lawn while I was traveling for the funeral. He gave my such an unpleasant look, I found someone else to do it.”

Solano says he had no idea that his neighbor felt any guilt or anguish over the way he lived his life, but that he wouldn’t change things. “I thought being a good example was a good thing. I’m sorry that he felt anguish, but, I don’t think that’s my fault.”

**************
Happy Friday Eve, everyone.

acapnotic / a-CAP-not-ik / a non-smoker.

If you are inclined to count such things, there are only *5* episodes left of Lost, which means, possibly there will be a reference to Jewish baked goods, a frozen donkey wheel, or, simply, and end.

I had a different story lined up for today, but, when I came up with this one, I decided a little pre-emption was in order. Don’t worry. Like the Native Americans using all the bits of buffalo, the other story will get used. Nothing wasted here.

Today’s Word:

recidivist

As in:

The year is 2035, and young Amanda Carter is working on a history project, and is confused about the circumstances that have led to yet another global economic crisis.

“Mom, it says here that the Obama Administration had a series of economic stimulus plans and bailouts that seemed to turn the economy around back then. Why don’t we just try those things now?”

“Well, honey, some of those policies contributed to the situation we’re in now.”

“What do you mean?”

“The notion was that there were many companies that were deemed too big to fail, and so, a huge amount of money was spend by the federal government to prevent them from catastrophe. Of course, this had an unintended consequence of making it harder for people to get credit for their small businesses. You see, they were simply too small to succeed.”

“But, many of the people who were behind the failed businesses got big bonuses and they weren’t the ones who lost all their savings? It sounds like they were encouraged to keep doing what they were doing, which kinda leads to recidivist behavior doesn’t it?  It’s like the government rewarded the people who failed, instead of encouraging responsible behavior.”

“It is a bit like that, isn’t it? Responsible borrowers were also penalized because they didn’t qualify for the same programs that helped those on the verge of foreclosure. See, if you had made the mistake of paying your mortgage on time, and you lost a job, or had an economic crisis of your own, and you kept making payments on your house, you didn’t qualify for any programs that would reduce your principle or help you restructure your loans like the people who just stopped paying their mortgage. So, all of the resources went to the people who’d proven to be incapable of managing their finances.”

Amanda thought about this for a minute, “It seems, in the end, the people who felt no consequences for failure had no incentive to succeed, and the people who had succeeded had to pay for both their success and the failure of everyone else. It sounds like it’s just smarter to fail in the first place….”

****************

recidivist: / re – SID – eh – VIST / one who relapses; specifically : a habitual criminal