I had an idea for a story today, and then I got distracted by a discovery which left me discouraged, which chased the idea out of my head. I suspect it’s still in there, but, it’s refusing to be retrieved. My sister suggested an idea so, and I got nothing else so, I’m just going to go with it.

Of course, that was before I started trying to solve more of my network problems. I didn’t accomplish much. I have concerns about date night tomorrow. Some days, I really hate computers.

Today’s Word:

abecedarian

As in:

A source close to the tea party movement has revealed one of the group’s more sinister aims, and it is striking fear into the heart of all Americans. In this exclusive story, it can now be revealed that the tea party is taking aim at the alphabet itself.

Our source revealed that this secret and shocking piece of the tea party agenda is their true motivation and goal, and that the other issues, such as the constitutionality of laws, the issue of taxpayer funds being used in the TARP bailout package, and the movement’s stance against the “cap and trade” programs are mere window dressing for the goal of throwing out the current order of the letters in the alphabet.

“The current order of the letters in the alphabet is beyond ridiculous. It is appalling that we have been shackled to one system of letter arrangement for all these centuries. We need to modernize it, and find a better way,” says party spokesperson Lucy Smothers. “Frankly, this is a plan that will create jobs. Think of all the software patches, re-filing and re-organizing that will have to be done. Why, even musicians will benefit, as we will need a new alphabet song so people can learn to do their filing in the new system.”

Unfortunately, even on this key issue, there is disagreement on the best replacement for the aging letter-infrastructure.

One segment of the group believes that the consonants should be arranged first, in order of frequency of use, followed by the vowels in frequency order.  Some believe the vowels should come first, followed by the consonants, and still others argue that the order should be simply letter frequency, leaving the new alphabetical order as: ETAOINSRHDLUCMFYWGPBVKXQJZ.

Some even outside the tea party loyalist thing that the letters could even be arranged in a more aesthetic fashion, with some of the more homely letters hidden next to their more attractive neighbors. This approach has frustrated many, as this is a matter of taste, and there are a surprising number of letter-loyalists who have widely varied opinions on the relative letter attractiveness.

“This is a ridiculous conversation. Should it, by the slimmest chance, even come to fruition, it will cost billions of dollars to implement. There’s nothing wrong with the current order,” says Martin Kaemmerling, a linguist. “It’s  a non-issue, and I don’t think voters can possibly find this a realistic issue. Frustration over the Washington establishment is one thing, this is quite another. Change for change’s sake is beyond pointless when we’re talking about something so fundamental as the alphabet. How has the alphabet ever been controversial?. The world is quite happy with the current system of letters. To attack our abcedarian method is a trivial waste of much more than time.”

********************
I really want to send all creators of malware and viruses to the special hell. Can I get an Amen? Yeah.

abecedarian / ay-bee-see-DAIR-ee-uhn / 1) arranged in alphabetical order, 2) elementary, basic, rudimentary.

Tonight, I am beyond exhausted, and feeling very tempted to just not post anything tonight. Very tempted. I’m actually sorta nodding as I type this. I have an idea, but, no word picked out, and just thinking about thumbing through my notebooks of lists sounds painful.

But no. I’ve not made it this far to give up. The year is not even half over, I can do this. I have people depending on me to get the story out. (That’s you all, BTW.) You all are pushing me over the bump so that I don’t quit. If you are not out there, depending on me, I don’t want to hear about it, because, well, I’ll start thinking uncharitable thoughts, and stop writing right now and go to bed, which sounds really good now that I’ve typed it all out. Shush, you.

Today’s Word

doxy

As in:

The rise of social media has yielded a host of new economies. One of the biggest shift in these new economic systems is the rise of a new currency: friends lists.

This socal currency has led to a number of occupations, including traders in Friend’s Futures, where the exchange partners agree to swap a certain number of connections at a specified rate at a date in the future. The value of the securities in this case, a bundle of particular friends on a list, is dependant upon the size of that person’s friends list. That is to say, a friend with more than 300 friends is of considerably higher value to a futures trader than is a friend with a mere 50 friends.

The value of this currency can fluctuate based upon a number of factors, including how famous the friend in question is, and whether the person is currently involved in a public or  scandal or not. Other factors affecting the value of your friends bundle is how many of them play Zynga games such as Farmville or Mafia Wars, and how willing they are to spam other friends with requests for such games, and how many of the friends on your list are just friends with you to advertise to you their pet projects. If you have a friend who only posts promotional items, or who is only friends with you because you share a common Facebook application. To futures traders, these are highly volatile securities, which have a high value  for covering short positions,  but will unlikely last long enough to have value in the long term.

Things that can lower the value of your friends list are unsavory types, such as an old friend from High school whose job title is listed as “doxy.” Too many of these types of friends, and your own stock will start to plumet, and you could find yourself out of social capital and strapped for cash in a credit-unfriendly economy.

Depending on the trader, friends from your Facebook list can be worth more than your friends on LinkedIn. This is true of specialists in demographics and advertising, who are looking to advertise to people in a particular demographic, or who have “liked” a particular brand item. 

In some cases, people have begun to measure their own worth by the size of their friends lists, frantically trying to make contact with anyone they’ve remotely been acquainted with,  just to up their own numbers, and therefore, their sense of self-worth. These are the people that take every friend suggestion offered to them, whether they actually know the person or not. Actual friendship is not required, and in some cases, bitter enemies, focused on high-volume “friending,” have sent requests to people whose guts they hated, knowing that some of these people will accept the request to avoid rejecting the open hand of friendship. No one wishes to be rude in the new social economy, after all. That might just be really bad for business.

********************
I am finishing this now, and though my eyes have “read”  this through, I’m fairly sure they’re lying to me. Hopefully, you will make sense of this tale. G’night.

doxy / DOX – ee / a woman of loose morals, a prostitute

There is much going through my brain as the week ends, but, frankly I’m to tired to think about it. That sounds bizarre, doesn’t it? I think it’s a sign that I need to get to bed pronto. 

Today’s Word:

ramet

As in:

Last week, a coroner went live with a web site listing unclaimed bodies in his jurisdiction. The coroner hopes that the site will prove useful in moving his vast inventory, and will save the county some of the cost of disposing of the remains.

Coroners everywhere are faced with the reoccurring problem of unclaimed or unidentified remains. Bodies are dropped off for autopsies or other forensic tests, and them no one ever comes to pick them up. The coroner feels that, like dry cleaners, he should have the right to “get rid of” the unclaimed bodies.

“Everything is on the Internet now. Think of it as a Facebook for the recently deceased.” said Myrna Jenkins, the office manager. “Even the dead can benefit from social networking. Of course, it brings added poignancy to all those people who’ve ever commented that their social life was dead. In the case of our lifeless friends it’s literally true.”

Facebook declined to comment on the comparison, but, seemingly in reaction to this idea, has finally released a “dislike” button.

“And,” said a spokesman with the coroner’s office, “quite frankly, with all of the cloning experiments going on, it’s becoming difficult to find room for each cast-off ramet that comes along. We really need to do something with these bodies. I figure the Internet is the best place to put them, and maybe they’ll find good homes, some may go to schools or even to the people that really care about them. And we’re going to make sure that there are precautions taken so that they don’t end up in the wrong hands. That would be awkward, wouldn’t it?”

The site lists the members of the collection like this: “Blond S(?)WM 35-40 seeks proper burial someplace. Have intriguing birthmark and bullet wound.” 

*********
I’m just going to leave it at that. Time is not improving this story, and it’s not getting any less creepy. I’m not entirely sure what the cloning thing has to do with the story. I guess it’s mostly filler. hopefully it was amusing filler.

ramet / RAY-met / any of the members of a clone.

This was a vastly different story three hours ago, and I think I lost the war to turn it into something more than a collection of loosely connected paragraphs. I’ve decided that surrender is the better part of valor in this struggle, and leave you with…

Today’s Word:

nullifidian

As in:

The Internet moved further up the rung of evolution this week, as mystics all over the world have begun to turn to the Internet as a predictive oracle.

Seers have been caught consulting Google for tips on the future, instead of more traditional tools such as tea leaves, Tarot cards and chicken entrails. “I got some great stock tips, and I totally avoided a massive car accident by using Google. It’s a life saver! Besides, entrails are so last millennia, and are kinda gross.”

Skeptics have dismissed these claims, and refer to these types of “predictions” as nothing more than research, and that it’s ludicrous to believe them to be insight into the future.

Fortune tellers are enjoying a brisk business in China, where concerned parents are consulting them for information on whether it is safe to send their children to school, and one of the parents is claiming that she kept her child home from school on the advice of the Internet. The next day, the child’s class was attacked by a knife wielding assailant.
 
Traditional nomads who, up until a few years ago used more traditional predictive techniques, are increasingly consulting the Internet for information and to find a patterns within the flow of cause and effect of current events to predict the next natural disasters. Some of these fortune tellers travel from  Internet cafe to Internet cafe, finding time to follow forecasts and provide insight to paying customers.

One popular Internet mystic predicts that the fighting in Afghanistan will end May 21st. Most people have interpreted this to mean that the fighting will miraculously end sometime next week. Hoever, more savvy recipients of prophecies dismissed the revelation, which, like most predictions, are vague enough to be interpreted in hundreds of different ways.

Another seer from Russia, has a theory that NATO countries are being punished for continuing the war in Iraq. He insists that as soon as the troops leave the country, the recession and other disasters will end, and the world will enter a new era of prosperity and enlightenment. The seer cites the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the traffic problems in Europe due to Iceland’s volcanoes and the attacks on kindergarten classes in China as proof for this theory.  No one has had the heart to tell him that China is not a member of NATO.

The use of the Internet as a new type of prophetic tool seems to especially be on the rise within the secular world. Experts believe that even the more nullifidian citizens of society have a need to seek answers from a higher power. In this case, they’ve chosen the Internet.

**********
I think I will simply leave this one in your capable eyeballs. I’m really using my eyeballs to look forward to this weekend.

nullifidian / NUL-eh-FID-ee-an / a person having no religious faith.

Tonight’s dinner, strangely enough, was the inspiration for this story. I wish the muse would strike earlier in the day, because it’s harder to get these done at the end of it. But, if I’m lucky, or really productive this weekend, maybe I’ll get ahead again. That would be really good.

I’m also looking at my to do list, and it’s about to give me heart failure so, I’m just going to get a blind fold. If the following looks like it was typed by a kid mashing the keyboard, well, I probably am wearing the blindfold, which is strangely detrimental to proofreading.

Today’s Word:

attitudinize

As in:

“I’d guess that the knife cut laterally across the flank. There are at least ten cuts parallel to the first one. Then a series of cuts at a 90 degree angle to the initial cuts, creating almost a grid. Each piece is about one inch squared. The real question is why anyone would make such a pattern into the flesh like that,” noted Carol. “The precision is admirable, but, it seems so unnecessary.”

“Why must you attitudinize everything?” Jin asked, “I thought you’d be more curious about the presence of the peppers. The cellular structure has broken down significantly, and it’s not just the heat or the amount of time in the vessel. If I had to guess, I’d say that there was underlying cellular damage before they were heated. Possibly, they were frozen, and then thawed. The cell walls were completely gone, and the pulp has practically disintegrated.”

“I was intrigued by the smell. It had an earthy smell, with a hint of sweetness, rather like cumin. It could be a hint to the kill zone, perhaps it picked up some traces of the actual place where the butchering occurred. Is there someone that can look at the particulates, and give us some analysis?” Ken sounded hopeful, but, uncertain that such a small thing could be identified, even with the talents of a lab guy such as Matt.

“That cumin idea is spot on. Well spotted, Ken. I think there’s just a trace, but, you’re right on about it.” Jin smiled at the young man encouragingly. “Looking at this trace of efflorescence on the edge of the container, I’d guess we’re looking at a sea salt originating in possibly San Francisco Bay, or Cape Cod. I’d really like to have Matt peep at that, too.”

“I hate to say it, but, I can’t help but appreciate the skill that went into preparing this. It may be the death of a poor creature that began this whole event, but, it has brought us together, and we don’t see each other as often as I’d like.” Carol paused, her brow furrowed slightly.”And, don’t think less of me if I admit that there is a certain artistry to the whole thing, and I am enjoying the challenge it has offered us all.”

Carol looked around at the assortment of smiles and nods. Everyone seemed to be in agreement. They went back to their work, talking, and sharing tidbits of information and insight at their shared repast. After all, It was dinner time at the Kwon household.

************
I think that’ll do for tonight. And, if you’re curious, I had a ham and lentil soup with cumin and garlic, onion and bell pepper, cooked all day in the crook pot.  It was delicious.

attitudinize / AT – teh – TUDE – in – eyes /  to assume an affected mental attitude: pose.

The weather, which is supposed to bring snow to Denver tonight and tomorrow, has inspired today’s story. My only concern is that it’s not really a story, but, more like a one-liner on steroids. And, if it is nothing more than a one-liner with a hyper-active thyroid, will it feel like a non-Betty white SNL sketch that was allowed to go on far too long?

I’m going to take my chances.

Today’s Word:

misoneism

As in:

The difficult economic situation has let to cut backs in many areas of public life. City governments are cutting services, programs and projects. The deficits in budgets have led to drastic actions, with the latest cuts being levied at the fundamental workings of the planet. This time, the cuts are deep and personal. The season of spring has been cut due to its high cost.

The world can no longer shoulder the high cost of a season which brings violent weather to much of the mid-west, in the form of tornadoes and severe thunderstorms with the danger of flash floods, hail and strong winds. 

“Owing to the high cost of dealing with the damage caused by hail, tornadoes and flooding, we can no longer afford Spring. People are just going to have to learn to go straight from Winter to Summer,” noted Jack Ventnor. “The only people who could possibly object to this are simply stricken with misoneism, and those sorts of people were probably against running water and electric lights. It will take some adjustments, but I think most people will feel very grateful for the change. After all, seasonal allergies will be minimized, and many areas will benefit from an extended tourist seasons, which will help re-fill city coffers. It’s a win-win.”

Critics of the plan are arguing that the loss of Spring is like the loss of hope itself. “Spring is the time of renewal and rebirth. It is the transition from the dark coldof winter to the heat of summer, and it gives plants a chance to go through their full growth cycle. without spring, we don’t really have much of a shot of a good harvest. This is the most short-sighted plan I’ve ever heard of.”

Others were simply confused about the plan. “How, exactly do they plan to ‘get rid of ‘ spring? Do they have some switch that changes the Earth’s distance from the sun? And, what gives them the right to deprive the Southern Hemisphere of Fall, unless that’s being cut, too. What a stupid idea. It’s even stupider than changing the daylight savings change-over date to earlier in the year as a way to save money.”

**************************
Well, at least  it was short. 

misoneism / miss – OH – knee – ism / a hatred, fear or intolerance of innovation or change

I came home and mowed today, which is the first time I’ve managed it, since I had a non-functional mower until last night. Of course, this is just in time for the snow. Spring in Colorado.

I’ve been struggling to find an idea all day, and my sister sent me the kernel of a notion, which, I’ll admit, I was going to shelve for a bit, because it didn’t instantly hit me as a story idea.  I went to take a bath, and it was there that it gelled, and so now, it’s simply a matter of writing the darn thing.

Today’s word:

cunctation

As in:

A class action lawsuit was filed today on behalf of the customers of the Two-Up Tool Company. The suit, alleging reckless disregard for human life has been brought to trial for a large number of deaths and terrible accidents caused by the company’s products.

The company, known for its multi-tasking products which combine the functionality of two common houshold tools into one super-useful item, had no comment about the suit, but insists that its tools are not dangerous if used in a manner consistent with its labeling.

The largest group of plaintiffs were purchasers of Two-Up Tool’s Waffle Iron Crimper, which could be used to crimp hair and to make waffles. Several people claimed to be badly burned by the tool when they confused the crimper attachment for the waffle iron. A few people tried to use the waffle iron element to both crimp their hair and make waffles at the same time, resulting in horrifying waffles which tasted of burnt hair, in addition to disfiguring burns, and in at least one case, the loss of an eye.

Other members of the class were purchasers of the Toastin’ Toilet, a toilet which could also be used to make toast. In some instances, the electrical element if in operation when the person flushed, occasionally resulted in electrocution. Two-up Tool insists that the product includes multiple warnings about operating the toilet flush while the element is active.

Early reviews of the Toastin’ Toilet were far from positive. Reviewers  cited concerns over basic hygene, writing that a toilet that produced food could not possibly be made safe. They also indicated that the idea of an electrical item near a water-powered device was a doomed idea.

Minor injuries, such as sliced hands, have been reported by users of the hand juicer/paring knife. One death has been attributed to the mandolin/blender tool, which can be used to slice produce, and frappe fruit. In this case, the mandolin blade vibrated out of its housing and flew into the neck of a user, who died of blood loss. 

The suit was filed more than a year after the first deaths, the cunctation being attributed to the sheer embarrassment of the victims, who didn’t wish to admit they had fallen victim to injury after purchasing such a ridiculous items as the Toastin’ Toilet and the Waffling Waffler.

****************
I think this will suffice for a Monday.  Which is now almost over. Hoo-ray.

cunctation / kunk – TAY – shun / delay, procrastination

I had a fairly odd day today. I had started to write this story yesterday, and struggled with it, and then sent a different story instead. Then when I sat down to finish it tonight, it started to sound oddly familiar, and then I realized why. I’d already written it.

Today’s Word:

anoetic

The increasing demands on the members of the elite Hijackers International Terrorist Union to qualify and remain on the Union’s roster have necessitated extreme measures.

Changes in the membership guidelines for the HIT-U have included increases in the minimum number of monthly vehicle hijackings, stricter standards for bomb assemblage, and higher expectations for constructing and delivering ransom demands. HIT-U believes the stronger standards will help to bring legitimacy to the skills and services its members have to offer, and will increase the respect for the profession around the world.

These high standards have forced HIT-U members to go to extreme measures. To meet the monthly vehicle hijacking quota, some professional hijackers have resorted to the previously anoetic — hijacking shopping carts filled with groceries, ice cream trucks and pizza delivery vehicles. Hijackers are justifying hitting these targets as “practice” and a way to supplement their income.

Other standards have forced bombers into near bankruptcy buying high-quality explosives, and hostage-takers to take courses in English grammar, composition and rhetoric to make their ransom delivery methods more effective and enjoyable from a literary standpoint.

In exchange for their compliance and heft membership dues, the Union represents its membership in ransom negotiations and during and after legal proceedings. The Union also strives to improve the public perception of the Hostage-Taking and Terrorist professions.

***********
I was reminded of this harbored story idea by the news of the failed Time Square bomber. Our would-be bomber wouldn’t pass muster with HIT-U, I’m quiet certain. Oh well. The notion of a Union for hijackers and Terrorists amused me. I hope it amused you.

anoetic / AN-oh-eh-tic / unthinkable

This entry is slightly odd, but, I suspect you appreciate and enjoy challenges.

Today’s Word:

prolix

“Given that you have, in fact, in a deliberate and conscious manner, and indeed, that you have sought the assistance of this organization, its members and its services, it is astoundingly clear that you are, quite accidentally, but none-the-less quite irritatingly, and likely, unrepentantly, lexiphanic, and are wishing to avail yourself of the expertise, advice, consul and support of those acquainted with such problems, and skilled in their satisfactory resolution, please be patient while we connect your call.

Comprehending that this pronouncement is not, by its content, propitious, it may serve as something of a reference of our qualifications and evidence of the sesquipedalian nature inherently linked to the purveyors of this assistance league and those who beseech this league for a modicum of aid to attain an acceptable level of lingual fortitude. It is accurate to assert that those with prolix tendencies are inherently classified as prosaic, redundant, and fatiguing, and it is potentially lucid from this directive that such proclivities are gratuitously unnecessary, unwelcome, and most unfortunate. Much gratitude is granted to you, our patron, for your patience.”

*Recording for the Emergency Hotline for “Sesquipedalians Anonymous”.

******************
If you made it this far, you have my congratulations and gratitude.  Anyway, lexiphanic and sesquipedalian should, by now, be a vital and integral part of your vocabularies, since they were previous Words of the Day and have been in liberal use by yours truly in several other stories. Any other of the above words that are unknown to you, my gentle, and lingually superior readers, well, I leave it to you to look them up, it will do you a world of good. Until tomorrow…

prolix / proh-LICKS / 1. so wordy as to be tiresome; verbose. 2. using more words than necessary; longwinded.