I couldn’t just let yesterday’s story get out of my brain because it brought a friend along for the ride. In that vein, May the fifth be with you. You’ll probably need it.
The announcement by George Lucas that he intends to remake the Star Wars movies with CGI robots has led to an expected development. An independent film maker, who had always looked up to Lucas for his pioneering roll and persistence in getting the original Star Wars produced, has begun to create a version entirely cast by zombies.
Miles Griffin, who has been infected himself but insists on being refered to as an undead American, has decided to begin the process with Episode I: The Phantom Menace. He has recruited into his cast the very best talent available from amongst the infected. “These are not your simple, run-of-the mill noctivagant unwell. These specimens can speak a little, and have little damage to their skin, and have brain-seeking tendencies that can be controlled with some drugs and a really loud siren.”
“In fact, I’d say the bloke playing Jar-Jar is quite an improvement over the original, and most of the characters have become much more lively than their counterparts. I think this will be a real advantage for Episodes II and III. I actually have seen the actor’s faces exhibit expression! It’s remarkable!”
Griffin notes that the most difficult aspect of the project is getting his actors to remember and speak dialog. He said, “We’re working on it. Most of my collaborators can’t say more than ‘UUUUUnnnnnnnnnhhhhh’ and ‘Braaaaaaaaaiiiins,’ which we totally had to teach them, because, except for the non-infected imitating us in a crude and hurtful fashion, have you ever heard a zombie say that? It’s a bit insulting that the only way you non-dead have to indicate that we often crave the sweet, sweet, head-meats you have tucked away behind your scalp is by actually moaning ‘Brraaaaiiiins.’ Amateurs.”
Lucas Films is said to be planning to stop the production based upon copyright infringement. Griffin sees this as a challenge, but not an insurmountable one.
“I’m making a movie with creatures who can’t speak or read and are easily distracted, and you think ‘copyright’ is the worst problem I have. I’d like to invite Mr. Lucas here to see the process and understand it, and then he’d stop fighting it. He can come here and wave his beautiful, yummy, brain cleavage, and… what was I talking about?”
“Besides, it’s time someone other than George Lucas make some money from the creation of less-than-satisfactory films in the Star Wars Universe. We deserve our fair share. ”
There you have it, Zombie Star Wars. It’s about time we got those too crazy kids together, don’t you think? I’m just feeling glad to have this written in the morning, and not have to do it tonight when I get home from work. And, before you tell me that I’ve already used this word before, I’m just going to admit it. I hadn’t marked it off my list, and it was too late to change it. The story’s different, and that’s the important thing.
noctivagant / nock – TEH – vague – ant / wandering around at night