The great late night war of 2010 is in full swing, there was a massive earthquake in the Caribbean the stock show is underway. I’m feeling better, but ran into an odd technology snag today when I tried to sequester myself in my room to write tonight, so, I wasted a bunch of time running around trying to solve it, until I had to again do some punting. Oh well.

Today’s Word:

hie

As in:

The twelfth annual “Rodent Rodeo” was about to get underway. Over fifty contestants had trained and prepared for the grand event, and they were all assembled in the arena for the day’s contests. Cricket cowboys rode bucking rats until the timers went off. The mouse roping events, always an impressive sight, were won by last year’s champion, a beetle named Chuck. The Beaver riding exhibition, dangerous as always, was completed, and the only injury was to the rodeo clown, who was bruised by a swing of the great beast’s tail.

But the events that drew the largest crowd were the fly races. These were sponsored every year by a beer company, and a large crowd lined the race course. The flies were on the starting mark, and after the signal was given, they were off. Amid shouts of “hie, fly” from coaches and fans, the Flies buzzed around the arena.

But then, just before the flies reached the halfway point, tragedy struck. Somehow, through the security gates, past the arena fencing, and over the tiny bleachers, two frogs hopped onto the scene. With a few quick snaps of their deadly tongues, the contest was over, and the athletes consumed. Panic erupted in the arena, and several small insects were trampled by spectators fleeing the scene.

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hie / HYE / Rhymes with “fly”. It means, to go quickly, or hasten. Now you’ll all start saying “hie, fly” instead of that cliche “shoo fly” nonsense, won’t you? Of course you will.

I’m feeling not so great tonight, so I came home and took a nap after work, which didn’t help so much, but, I wanted to post something before going back to bed. A resolution’s a resolution, after all.

Today’s Word:

eleoptene

As in:

Scientists last week proved the the Earth is not, as widely believed, filled with a creamy or a liquid fruit-flavored substance after all, but that the core is, in fact, solid.

The belief, that the Earth has a delightful sweet creamy filling under its colorful outer crust, is held by several thousand people, most of whom are not scientists at all. In fact, within this segment of the populous, there raged a great debate about whether the filling was creamy nougat, fruit, or a sweet cordial. A few believe that the center of the Earth is not filled with anything pleasant at all, but merely the fatty, runny eleoptene that comes from oil that’s been sitting to long. A small percentage of people believed that the filling was actually more like a nut, and these people are claiming that the findings about the Earth’s core support their theory.

“Isn’t a nut a solid? Sure those scientists say it’s solid iron in the core, but have they been there? Do they know? I think not. They’re just like those “fruit-filled” theorists. They think they know which planets are filled with nougat and which ones are filled with cordial just by looking at the “cosmic chocolate sampler diagram”. Well, you can’t. Those things are never right. You have to bite into things to see what’s inside them. And if you don’t like the filling, you can’t put them back. And it’s just too bad if you happen to be allergic to nuts, and that’s what you get, because you’re just asking for it. Some planets are just full of nuts. Period.”

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Hope you all have had a good Monday.

eleoptene: / EL-ee-AP-teen / That part of an essential oil which does not become solid.

It’s been a long week, and I’m really, really, grateful for Friday. I’ve got the turkey out, and I’m cutting out circles, and writing an intro to this story which has now become something of a non sequitur. I’m hoping to get ahead enough with the Word of the Day to send it out in the mornings in the not-too-distant future, because I think my brain will thank me. Maybe yours will thank my brain, too. Clearly, I’ve got brains on the brain. I think it must be a Dollhouse night.

Today’s Word:

oligophrenia

As in:

Deep in the urban underground of cities across this country, a new threat has emerged. This new threat is a unique breed of gangster, plucked straight off of Sesame Street.

These cunning criminals have moved out of Mr. Roger’s neighborhood and into large-scale organized crime. The great crime families now look to these newcomers, whose business threatens the bottom line of crime syndicates all over the nation. But this new breed of gangster has a powerful disguise: everyone of them is under the age of 18. These under-aged mobsters look like ordinary kids, which perfectly shields them from the attention of adults.

Too many times officers have mistaken their fresh faces and seeming immaturity for innocence. Worse, their youthful appearance makes police  believe they suffer from age-induced oligophrenia, an assessment which leads these poor officers to grossly underestimate their cunning opponents.

The first indications that these gangs were operating came when FBI agents tracked a shipment of stolen super-soaker rifles to a heavily armed, remote camp. To the officers’ surprise, the camp was guarded by 50 pre-teens, equipped with sniper rifles, powerful automatic weapons, grenade launchers, and surface-to-air missile platforms. The “harmless super-soakers” were filled with cocaine, plastic explosives and powdered drink mix.

Investigators soon discovered that this facility was but the tip of the iceberg. Organized kiddie crime, which investigators suspect has been around for decades, has been connected to 10 assassinations, child pornography, 5 Pokemon card counterfeiting operations and hundreds of intimidation and extortion cases in the last five years. Investigators guess that the money laundering operations, typically disguised as mere lemonade stands, school fund raisers, and Scouting sales events have made billions of illegal funds legitimate.

And today, the first big break into these “Kindergarten Criminals” came when 6-year-old Joey “the Whiner” Himple, a known hit man for the powerful Black Ranger crime syndicate, was caught showing his gun and mini shoulder harness to a friend. The two were observed by a classmate, a known tattle-tale, and Joey, remembering his hit squad training, fired on the girl. Joey, of course, had been taught that dead witnesses are silent witnesses.

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oligophrenia /oh-LIG-oh-frin-ee-a / feeble-mindedness, extreme mental retardation.

This is an attempt at a bit of a noir-ish story, that has held up fairly well. I’m working on the infrastructure for some things, and working on ornaments for this weekend’s festivities. Sleep’s over-rated, right? You can lie to me.

Today’s Word:

klepht

As in:

The young woman strode through the dimly light bar. She looked all at once out of place and warily comfortable with the surroundings, as if she was stepping into a familiar haunt, but one that had endured three decades of traffic since she last graced the door with her striking silhouette. She was the kind of woman that demanded the attention of every male in the room, and yet, she could easily ignore every glance without the slightest comment. She was the type of woman who could break a guy’s heart, and make him enjoy every minute of it. She was trouble.

And even though she was going to break me heart, there was something in her determined, yet vulnerable face that meant there was no way I could possibly resist her, no way I could prevent myself from the agony I knew she would bring. Well. That was the life of a PI in the middle of an extremely contrived and formulaic piece of short detective fiction. There could be no mistaking the signs of a desperate writer, milking a wisp of an idea,in the off chance that an original and marginally humorous story would miraculously appear.

And the woman, with the glint of danger hiding in her angelic face, spoke.

“Have you seen the klepht?”

“The cleft?” said I.

“Yeah. Some knucklehead out in Washington with the look of a drowned rat and teeth to match. They say he comes in here, and I want him. He’s the one that caused all the problems, and I’ve had enough. When I’m through with him, he’ll think the Justice Department was friendly.”

“Look, lady. Out here in San Francisco, everyone looks like that. Look, let me buy you a drink, you can give me some more clues, and I can track this guy down for you. I am, by trade, a private investigator. Name’s Sam Spade. ‘Fraid it’s not really original, but what do you expect from formula fiction?”

“Thank you for your time, Mr. Spade. I was hoping I’d find you, though I guess a women like me couldn’t help but stumble into one of your stories. I want you to find this weasel man, and kill him. He’s committed horrible crimes against humanity, and I’m afraid the law won’t stop him. Think you could do that? There’s 100 grand in it for you, more if you don’t get caught.”

“Uh, huh. And what’s this guy done to you that’s worth whacking him about?”

“He’s the most evil man to walk the earth. He wants to take over the world through inferior technology and unfair business practices. I can’t get through a single day without his diabolical equipment breaking down, taking with it all my creative output, my livelihood and my resolve. It’s a nightmare Mr. Spade. And I’ve had it.”

“I see. And what’s this drowned rat’s name?”

“Bill Gates.”
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klepht: / kleft / a robber, brigand. A member of the Greek patriot bands who held out after the Turkish conquest of Greece.

Today is Twelfth Night, the 12th day of Christmas, and I tried to think of some appropriate story for the occasion. This isn’t that story.

Today’s Word:

apotheosis

As in:

A group of grade school students in Massachusetts have convinced their state representative to sponsor a bill making the number “6” the state’s lucky number. The students assert that the number six has “figured” prominently in the state’s history, and as such, deserves recognition. For instance, Massachusetts was the sixth colony. It is the sixth smallest state. It has six main minerals mined for export, and Boston Celtics great Bill Russell wore number six on his jersey.

Supports of this bill contend that the number six, far from being a boring integer, is really quite remarkable. Says spokesman Sextus Optimas, “Truly, the number six is amazing. It is the apotheosis of integers, the jewel of arithmetic expression and the pride of the set of real numbers. Think about this. If you don’t count four, six is the first positive, non-prime number. Oh, and how many apostles were there? Not 12, nooo, there were six times two apostles. How many days did it take God to create the world? Six. Plus one to rest. Coincidence? Of course not. Why, the power of this number is glimpsed when you remember that three sixes, in succession, is the number of the Beast. It’s truly a magical, powerful force in the universe. Why do you suppose that intuition, is always called the “Sixth” Sense? Think about it.”

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apotheosis: / a-POTH-ee-oo-sis / 1. The act of raising a person to the status of a god, deify. 2. the glorification of a person or thing. 3. a glorified ideal.

I think today’s story speaks for itself, which means that I’m completely wasting your time by typing this. I suppose you could just skip this part.

Today’s word:

ventripotent

As in:

Banking on the common wisdom that “Hunger makes the best sauce,” a California firm has launched a line of sauces simply called “Hunger.” The product is completely free of all allergens, calories, preservatives, fat, nutritional content or, for that matter, ingredients.

The packaging is clear, and the contents appear to be transparent. They weigh next to nothing. The brightly colored labels feature preparation instructions. The directions are simple: Use Hunger after waiting a minimum of 8 hours between meals. Apply contents to any prepared food. For best results, avoid snacking after a meal and before using Hunger. For maximum effect, wait 24 hours after previous meal.

The product is targeted at the wealthiest Americans, and is priced at $100 per bottle, which translates to a cost of about $10,000 per ounce. The maker acknowledges this is a steep cost, but, insists that this is not a problem because the bottle never runs out. However, they are also quick to point out that they this will not limit their repeat business, as the bottles themselves will be collector’s items, with new fashion-conscious labels every month. the company also as they expects  to launch a line of desserts with the name “Just,” and “Revenge,” a line of cold dishes, ready to eat straight from the package. She also notes that you could use Hunger with any of these products to enhance the flavor. 

One satisfied customer talking about the product said, “It’s really a fantastic sauce. I’ve never tasted my food so distinctly. I really appreciated my food for the first time ever! I’m becoming downright ventripotent!”

A journalist at the press conference announcing the product couldn’t hide his flabbergasted amazement that such a product would even exist. He remarked, “This product can only exist in the U.S., a country so rich, you have to *buy* hunger. Or, worse, where you’d consider it a choice or a *privilege* to have hunger. Unbelievable.”

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Aren’t you glad you skipped the introduction and jumped straight into the story? Me too.

ventripotent / ven – TREE – poh – tent /  gluttonous, taking a greedy delight in eating

Well, It’s Christmas Eve Eve, and I hope that means those of you inclined to be celebrating the Christmas Holiday have wrapped all of your presents, sent all of your cards, cooked all of your cookies and sweets and are ready to enjoy a restful weekend. I hope everyone is keeping warm and enjoying the hopefully peaceful company of loved ones. ‘Kay. Enough of that. Onto…

Today’s Word:

keck

As in:

Recently, the Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a recall of more than 50 million Roman-style shades and roll-up blinds, citing the potential hazard of children becoming entangled in the cords and strangling themselves. Five children have died of strangulation and 16 others have been nearly strangled has been the victim of the dangerous shade cords, a mortality rate of less than .000001%.

Despite the fact that the chances of getting strangled by the shades are far less than the chances of being killed in an auto accident, the commission is not recalling autos. However, in a related story, paper manufacturers across the world are recalling paper, a product which is widely known for being the source of many painful and ugly cuts.

Following the lead of the CPSC, the FDA has announced that, due to the potential hazard that such things as alcohol, narcotics, and even food, present to the American consumer, these items also are being recalled in an effort to curb the potential for holiday-related kecking.

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keck: / kek / to retch or heave, as if about to vomit. 2. to feel or show great disgust.