I’m feeling sorta sad, as the cruel business of television has led to the cancellation of “Pushing Daisies.” Bryan Fuller says that he plans to continue the tale in comic book form. I guess that’s something, but, I’ll miss Jim Dale’s perfect narration, the occasional Kristin Chenoweth solo, and, well, all of it. If there’s a bright spot, it’s that there have been rumblings that Fuller might return to Heroes, to fill the voids left by the idiotic Executive Producer firings of Jesse Alexander and Jeph Loeb, and the dismissal of remotely coherent, cohesive or compelling storytelling. I’d rather have more Pushing Daisies.
Alas. Sweeps has dealt its cruel judgment.
Anyway, I got a bit of help from my sister on refining this idea, which I’ve now been mulling about for almost a full week. Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, this crossover answers the secret desires I know you all have been holding deep within your hearts. That deep question of “What would happen if one were to combine “Lost” with “24?” And now, I present to you…
Jack Bauer has been in Africa for several months. It has been a welcome change from the challenges of the last few years. While he has been working primarily in the southern part of the continent, this day he has traveled north, just to see the Egypt, and then explore the vast Sahara.
As he was traversing the desert, in the distance, he could see the shape of a man, in a polar jacket, falling from the sky. This strange sight piqued Jack’s curiosity. For a moment, he considered consulting Chloe, to see if this strange projectile had an in-bound trajectory that showed up on her omnipotent satellite imagery. But, Jack then realized, he just didn’t care that much. He went on his way.
A few hours later, things got even more strange, when the small group Jack was traveling with came across the body of a Polar Bear. Jack investigated, as clearly, there was some violation of the laws of nature going on here, and that just could not do. The bear had a collar, with a strange emblem on it. The emblem was a variation of a bagua, and tucked into the band of the collar was a cryptic note. The note read: “Frozen Donkey Wheel Malfunction. Where’s Linus? Why Locke? Who’s your constant? Buy Milk. Set DVR. I wear the cheese. Your lucky numbers: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.”
Jack was beyond mystified as to the meaning of this hodge-podge. Was it a list? A coded message sent between terrorist groups? This called for action.
Jack looked into the emblem on the bear’s collar, and learned of the DHARMA Initiative, and the Hanso Foundation, and the existence of “The Island.” The deepening mystery became an obsession. He was determined to find “The Island,” and force it to obey the laws of physics.
At long last, Jack managed to get a ship to troll the ocean near the spot he expected to find “The Island.” Soon, he saw land, and he was confident this was the place. Heedless of his safety, as soon as they were close, he jumped into the water and swam to the shore.
When he got there, as he stood panting on the sand, his mind cast back to a time when Kim was a baby. She was only a few months old, and Teri was becoming increasingly frustrated by his long hours at CTU. Teri wanted to hire a nanny. Jack remembered that Teri was having a tough time spending so much time with a baby, and very little assistance or outside visitors. She had taken to calling her college roommate Juliette Carlson -— Burke, he remembered belatedly, who was in Florida, because Teri missed having a close friend in the area to talk to. She hardly knew anyone locally, and Juliette always spared a few minutes to talk with her. It seemed to help.
And then Jack was startled back to the present. An older, balding man was running over to him, shouting, “Get off this island, you marplot, Bauer! Nothing good can come of you being here! Does FOX know you’ve jumped networks?”
Jack has no idea how this guy knows his name. “Who are you? What do you mean? How do you know my name? I’m looking for answers, and I’m not going to leave until I get them.”
The man says, “I used to say the same thing, but, I was an idiot. Look. It’s really just better if you don’t ask. Swim back to your boat, go back to your split screens, interrogations, guns and ticking clock. Believe me, your next “longest day,” is going to be a picnic next to the enigmas and dangers of this place. Go back to your ship before the island decides it needs you, too.”
Jack pauses. “I’m here because of this note. Do you know anything about this? Can tell me about something about it?” He hands over the aged paper.
The man looks at it, and comes to a decision. “I will tell you about this note, as far as I can understand it. Unfortunately, you won’t believe a word of it.”
He says, “This note is very helpful. It was written by someone on this island. I’m Locke.” Over the next hour, he explains the note in great detail.
Jack looks at his watch. Time is almost at an end. He realizes the man is a complete loony, and this idiotic mystery was no longer worth his time. He turned around, jumped back in the ocean, and swan back into the sunset.
Well, it’s late. And I’m not doing anyone any favors staying up any later. Until tomorrow.
marplot / MAR – plot / one who frustrates or ruins a plan by meddling.