Every time I sit down to write a post, I wonder if I’m wasting your time.

The cynical part of me says, “Hey, I didn’t make anyone read anything. If they feel like they wasted their time, that’s not my fault.”

I don’t usually let that part out to play. That part doesn’t play well with others.

It took me years to even be willing to admit that it was ok if I people read my material just to be entertained, and that “entertainment” was itself a worthwhile product. A good story can be as good as a “How to” article.

It is ok, right?   You don’t mind being entertained, right? I’m amusing, right? Not as funny as the Bloggess, granted, but, you like me don’t you? Can I make you some coffee while you read? Maybe I can teach you how to do something later on in this post?

See?

I want my content to be of high quality. I don’t want to be one of those people that posts the web equivalent of junk food, that seems good at the time, but, there’s a certain amount of regret that follows. That feeling of wanting to die after eating 40 gallons of ice cream, covered with chocolate and whipped cream and cherries, and maybe some sprinkles for color.

So, if there’s to be pleasure, I want it to be the kind of high after running a marathon, one where the good feelings of accomplishment last long after the initial completion high and the shin splints have gone away.

Too needy?

I kept trying to figure out how to find a topic that would encompass all the things that fascinated me, and that I could somehow master (or know enough to fake), and then make a blog that fit that topic and write all sorts of helpful things in that area.

But, I could never pick one. As soon as I did, I didn’t want to do it. EVERY other topic I felt I could work on instantly became infinitely more interesting than the one I just picked, and I now hated the one I had picked. I knew I would get tired of talking about it, I was already bored with thinking about it. Everyone knows no one should ever choose an overall blog topic that bores him. Or her. Or me. And then I was back to square one.

I then would try and find examples of successful blogs that covered many topics. How did they unify their topic? Could I do that? Am I kidding myself? Could I create something as compelling?

Many articles offered the same advice about starting a blog “DO it!” It doesn’t matter what you write, no one is reading it anyway.” That’s encouraging.

Certainly, I knew no one was reading. But how do you reconcile the “just do it” with that same author’s advice later in the same article to “pick a topic, and always keep things related to your topic.”? Could I be the exception? Was I really stupid enough to take that risk and try? Did it matter whether I was that stupid? Maybe I should try anyway. Artists are compelled to create.

Wait. I am not really calling what I do art, am I?

And, truth to tell, creating is hard, and I’m not entirely sure that “compelled” is the correct description for any motivation I have.

Where was I?

Trying not to waste your time.

I’m not doing so good at that am I?

I am going to admit something. I don’t know what my passion is. I’m not even sure I have one.

For years, I’ve been trying to figure it out, and I’ve stumbled on a few things which have gotten me closer, I can’t say I’m really there.

All the books, articles, web sites, bathroom stalls and tea leaves on the subject seem to say that it should be obvious what my passion is. I wish. I have, and have always had, multitudes of things which interest me, which have kept me occupied for hours, without noticing the passage of time, or caring that I’ve missed a meal and it’s 3 am. The bad news is, that none of my interests can carry me to that state consistently.

That is to say, one week, I’m completely absorbed in stamp collecting. The next week? It’s not particularly compelling, and I can’t force myself to even look at it.

Sometimes, the compulsion lasts longer. Weeks or even months. I think “Hooray! I finally found it!” Yeah. No.

I keep trying to find something more than an interest. I read more articles. I feel like a freak. How is it everyone knows what their passion is? How can all those competing chefs all say that cooking is their passion? I want to laugh at their confidence and I question their sincerity.

I honestly can’t bring myself to call anything my passion, because it sounds so pretentious. I don’t want to call anything “my passion,” until I know what really fills that roll in my life. And, frankly, I’m dubious that I’ll ever be able to use that label on anything.

I suspect, if I do have a passion, that it’s something fairly abstract. That what I enjoy most is making people laugh, or telling stories, or helping people discover something new.  Frankly, that seems anti-climactic, or even somewhat boring. I can’t see people being particularly passionate about something that vague. I mean, it’s not the same as having a passion for medicine, or saving lives, something that is obviously a great and noble contribution to humanity. Compared to that, what I have seems somewhat unambitious and frivolous.

Besides, even if it turns out that these are legitimate and useful things to offer to the world, and not frivolous, I could do all of those things in any number of settings. If my passion is one of those things, it seems obvious that I should pick a job that has a higher incidence of these sorts of things occurring. Why would I choose something so lonely as writing?

I don’t often enjoy writing. Most writers don’t. Like the quote from Parker? Welty? I don’t enjoy writing, but I enjoy having written. On a few rare occasions, there is some fun in sitting down and putting ideas into words, but most of the time, it is a struggle, and it’s hard. I can’t actually refer to that as a passion.

I write because I know how, and because I seem to be pretty good at it. People other than my mother have told me this. Many people other than my mother (who is just the one lady) have told me this.

So, I write. And I hope that something I write inspires you, or helps you in some way, or teaches you something, or puts a smile on your face. If something I write has helped you in someway, I would love to hear about it. It means the world to me. Who knows? It might even be my passion.

I’ve been working on a number of things, and it seems that things are somewhat rolling in a positive direction.

First, a coworker of mine asked a syndicated columnist friend of hers for advice on my behalf. The columnist essentially said,  it took about five years for him to get going with a column. The person she asked is a well-known personality in Denver media, and this person has been well-known *before* attempting to get his column going.  He said I was going about it the right way, and given that I’m *not* a well-known name, the fact that it took him as long as it did means that I will probably be at this for awhile, and it’s not me.

What I will also say is that starting the alternate list (and, hey, if you’ve not yet signed up for “Flying Solo,” here’s the place to do that) has made me feel a whole  bunch better about the whole thing, because I’ve been getting really good feedback on that, and, according to the numbers, people are reading it at twice the rate of the industry average. I’ve already got more people on that list than on the newspaper list (and I’ve got every daily in Colorado on it, plus several 3-5 times a week papers), and I’ve got subscribers in five countries. Thank you all for reading, and tell your friends!

I’ve also been developing the story kit idea, and just a few days after I started it, I got an e-mail from Zazzle announcing a contest for developing a new, custom product for their site. This could be an opportunity to get this developed in a big way, so, I’m working on the video proposal for that.

Even if that doesn’t go forward, I’ve been looking into a few other options, and building something of a business plan, which may or may not include a Kickstarter campaign.

I’ve already sold one, which is a “find dino fossils” scenario, and they’re not yet available for sale online. I’ve also got a waiting list, and the person on that waiting list has told me that he has a relative who works on importing, who might be a contact if I needed to look for wholesale prices on the various props.

I’ve also  had some things developing on the cemetery preservation front, but, that’s still pretty vague, and might not really amount to much.

I didn’t get the editorial calendar built over my holiday, which is really hurting me as I’m trying to juggle all the demands of two websites, a column and all the projects, so, I’m hoping to get a better handle on that this weekend.

It’s feeling a bit like things are rolling in the right direction for once, and I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve hit on the right path, or, I’ve finally been at it long enough to finally see some results, or I dunno, I’m imagining things.  But, I admit, it is feeling like progress, which is a very huge deal to me.

I am going to go to bed, and see what tomorrow may bring.  Pleasant dreams.

One of my super-secret projects that’s not really secret is that I’m writing a column for syndication.

While I’m working on getting traction with the people who might or might not pay me, I’m curious to see if there’s even an audience for this thing, and see if I can’t grow it myself, too. I’m not posting the columns here, but, I’m offering it for e-mail subscriptions. Call it an experiment.

So, if you’d like to see my Sunday column,
Subscribe to Flying Solo by E-mail

There are sample columns posted here.

I’m enjoying writing it, and hope that it’ll someday have an audience. Maybe that audience is you.