Denver’s Worst-Kept Secrets

"Blucifer" The giant, blue, demon horse at Denver's airport Denver International Airport is the center of 47 different conspiracies. I know this because the Internet told me so, and the Internet would never lie to me.

First, there’s the theory that the shadow government has its headquarters in the miles of tunnels underneath the facility. Elvis is frequently spotted by maintenance workers. He usually comes out to play poker with Dick Cheney.

Another theory postulates that aliens are using the fiberglass teepee-like structures of the main terminal as a homing antenna for their invasion fleet, and as a giant greenhouse for growing sentient gelatin from invisible, irradiated mold found in the temples of Machu Picchu. The gelatin will be used to turn humans into zombies or batteries or something equally sinister.

There is some speculation that the artwork throughout the structure contains symbolic codes which, when activated by the correct Masonic rituals, the walls open to release a hidden army of cyborgs, ready to throw down all the world’s governments.

There are ominous interpretations of the granite monument that the airport claims is a time capsule. It’s just covered with more of those threatening symbols of the Masons, and engraved with the words “New World Airport Commission,” which practically screams their true intentions to the universe. I heard that the Queen of England, a well-known Illuminatus, has been secretly and anonymously buying up the property surrounding the airport. Possibly for a place to hide Princess Diana, who, we all know, is not really dead, just imprisoned somewhere in the Tower.

I’m not entirely sure why conspiracy theorists think the Masons need cyborgs to throw over governments. By that token, they’re not being very good at being secret by plastering their intentions all over public places. I mean, aren’t the Masons already in control of the government through their secret power bases and subtle means?

Isn’t their way better? Rule in secret? Cyborgs and sparkling neon signs don’t really seem their style. Way too flashy.

The murals in the airport, which I’ve seen, but, never truly appreciated for their end-of-the world implications, likely because I misplaced my crazy-colored glasses, supposedly depict Nazis, illustrated depictions of the coming Mayan 2012 apocalypse, and a comfy chair.

I suspect that the artwork symbols are really a control panel for the hell minion standing on the outskirts of the airport. You know the one. Blue-Who-Must-Not-Be Named. He’s much more frightening then cyborgs, and has laser eye-beams and a terrible, horrible, death-whinny.

Having just typed that, I realize the truth. There’s no way that “Blucifer” can be controlled by mere arcane symbols.

He probably waits until no one is watching, and comes to life to breathe fire, shoot his eye-lasers, and, I don’t know, eat babies. Maybe this is the key. The only thing that is keeping our children safe at night is the compulsion to stare at that horrifying blue mustang.

Maybe he really guards the five mysterious buildings that were completed and then buried intact. These were built by the Illuminati, They probably figured that Denver, so enamored of its football team, would not suspect a horse being a secret weapon guarding the headquarters of a pending genocide to usher in the New World Order if it was packaged in the shape of a blue horse.

They have a point, after all. Just ask the city of Troy.