Things to Remind Myself About Spring


tall weeds Dear Self,

Do not allow the weeds to get to knee-height ever again. It is much better to have several days between mowing than it is to have to mow everything twice in the same day. Every time you tell your future self “it can wait,” you should envision a puppy hanging over a pit of lava, with its paws getting toasty. It cannot wait.

Even if you find three left-hand gloves and zero right hand gloves, it is not better to just mow with one glove. Despite the fact that the puppy is getting uncomfortably warm, find a full pair of gloves or suffer the additional torment of a blistered hand.

In addition, remember that the vast majority of the growing things in your yard are of the milkweed-type, and that you are allergic to those, so when you are clearing their moist, green, pulpy remains from the mower, don’t use your non-gloved hand, unless you want it to quickly swell to the size of a dustbin lid, attain an angry red hue and itch like that spot on the bottom of your foot you can never reach..

On that note, do not reach up to clear your vision of blowing hair with your dustbin lid hand. Swollen faces and itchy eyes will see no better than eyes covered by hair. In fact, it’s likely to be much worse. Remember, it was you who insisted you didn’t need to wear a hat.

Since you are not particularly fit, it would be good to remember that after choking out the mower 300 times before you are halfway done, you will find restarting the mower increasingly difficult as the timeline to complete the chore lengthens. Also, if you happen to mow over a plastic sack hidden in the depths of your weed jungle, it can wind itself around the spindle that rotates the blade, and make the choking thing happen even more. Remove the bag with your gloved hand. Not that the other hand could perform the task any longer.

Apply topical anti-allergy gel to your dustbin hand early in the proceedings, as swollen hands don’t grip well, and your mower might not be secure, and might cause you to trip and fall when it doesn’t turn the way you you’d expect. Good thing it shuts off when you release the lever, fall to the ground and skin your elbow. You’ll be grateful you don’t have to worry about chasing the darn thing as you lie on the sidewalk feeling exceptionally stupid.

It is best to eat something before you spend a few hours exerting yourself. If you just decide not to procrastinate any more, and that waiting to eat something will only kill your momentum and you haven’t eaten a full meal yet, expect your blood sugar to crash just about the halfway point, forcing you to grab some hollow calories to be able to finish the stupid task and not have to lug the mower out another day.

When you ignore all this and it all happens again, you will deserve the “I told you so,” because this time, you actually bothered to write it all down as soon as your hand returned to its normal proportions.