When the Oscars Are Not Enough

 Getting ready for the Oscars, Kodak Theater, Feb 2005As you might be aware, the Oscars are today.  In general, I’m in favor of celebrating the contributions of people who lie for a living, my sister pointed out there are almost as many awards shows for makers of movies as there are makers of movies.

With so many opportunities for Hollywood to pat itself on the back for making millions of dollars, it reminds me of the neighborhood pet shows where every pet, and its proud owner, gets a prize.  “Awww, did Rusty stay awake for the whole show? Here’s a medal!”

You are probably thinking that I’m only saying this because of some sort of misplaced sour grapes. And, you would be right. If I had manage to produce anything that resembles a movie.

Instead, I’m thinking of all the people who don’t get awards shows to pat them on the back. The people who manage to drag themselves out of bed on a cold and snowy morning, shovel a foot of show down 20 feet of concrete, drive three hours to work, and still arrive on time. These are the people that stay all day at their posts, and then drive 3 hours back home. These are the people who deserve a shiny, gold, naked guy on their mantel.

Where are the awards for those that excel at the Cubicle Arts?

They don’t sound glamorous, but, I suggest that the reason they sound so mind-numbingly drab is because they don’t have their own awards show, complete with red carpet and snarky commentators.

I can see the Memmys, awards granted by the Academy of Office Arts and Sciences for achievements in the field of office work, start to gain momentum and a following among the aficionados of office trades.

I can see many important categories, like “Best Presentation,” which allows nominations of any meeting, team building exercise, or proposal in which none of the attendees fell asleep, let their attention wander, or disappeared in a flurry of mass non-attendance by virtue of fake dentist appointments, looming deadlines, and/or suspicious eruptions of dead relatives.

Other potential categories include “Best Workers” in both supporting and lead roles, and “Best CEO.”

For those that are more talented with behind-the-scenes contributions, there could be awards for achievements in memo writing. Perhaps separate awards for “Best Original Memo” and “Best Adapted Memo.”

Once the Memmys get established, I expect there will be new awards shows to honor all sorts of skills and talents. Finally, people who don’t make millions will be recognized for their contributions.

The downside here is that there will probably be awards shows every weekend. Inevitably, there will be true award show fatigue, and with everyone getting an award, even if they’re spectacularly mediocre, no one will feel much like it means all that much anymore.

That’s sad.

Okay, new plan. Only one new award. This one is for “Best Short Weekly Humor Writing by a person whose name rhymes with “Fate Warns.” Gold naked statue and a truckload of cash is an acceptable prize. And you all will totally get thanked in my acceptance speech.