Emerging from the chaos of vacation and the enchanting company of family from afar, I sit, in front of the computer, to fulfill my WoD’ly duties.
Inspired by a conversation with my brother-in-law, I give you…
Today geneticists excitedly revealed that they have solved a problem that practically no one knew existed: cows that make their own sauces.
The scientists have conquered the age-old dilemma of pre-dressing cattle with sauces designed to enhance their flavors. Some have been created with gravy flowing through their veins, while others have ketchup and mustard. A few have been coaxed into self-basting with lovely red wine sauce, and others are flowing with BBQ sauce.
Customers can soon expect to fine pre-corned beef, at a significant discount to the traditionally corned meat, as genetic corning is done slowly, over time, the all-natural way, and requires naught but butchering before going to market.
The scientists admit they are encountering some difficulty with pre-rubbed beef, as the concentration of herbs and spices required to achieve the appropriate affect interferes significantly with the life processes of a cow, making it difficult for oxygen and other nutrients to flow through the veins.
Pre-brined cows also have difficulty staying hydrated, as the solution gradient pushes moisture into the muscle and away from the organs, which has led to complications. The scientists stipulate that ranchers seeking to raise this breed have adequate water reserves to keep the cattle onto maturity.
One scientist has been working on a supra-condiment cow, which appropriately matches the cut of beef to the most appropriate condiment. That is, a cow with BBQ sauce in the rib region, simply salt and pepper on the tenderloin, gravy on the chuck, corning for the brisket, and fajita seasoning on the skirt steak. So far, she has not had much success, as the sauces seem to blend indiscriminately, making for inedible and unattractive meat.
Some ranchers are concerned about breeding these cattle, and how does one keep the various types of condiment cattle apart. The scientists recommend hiring a nasute person to smell the cattle and determine the condiments contained within. They especially caution the ranchers about the hazards of breeding a rib cow with a red wine cow, as the resulting match-up is beyond horrifying.
My brother-in-law, not really a fan of covering meat with condiments, inspired this story with the following statement: “If God had wanted us to put condiments on stuff, he’d have made the stuff *with* the condiments.” I, of course, imagined cows with ketchup in their veins, hot and cold running mustard, all that stuff. It’s a sickness, I know.
nasute / naa – SUIT / Having an acute sense of smell.