So, this week, we’ve had virtual snow and creepy martyrs. Sounds like the week before VD (Valentine’s Day) to me. Today we talk about another important matter potentially affecting each and every one of us. That threat, ladies and gentlemen, is, of course, zombies. Please, be sure to read beyond…
In preparation for an impending zombie apocalypse, one enterprising young man has started a unique training program designed to increase your odds of surviving in a world of brain craving zombies.
Ken Marshall, the man offering this very practical course explains it this way, “If you notice there are more and more zombie movies made every year. This indicates to me that odds of a zombie-type plague are on the rise. Combined with the fact that each movie is sorta like free advertisement, I felt like it was time to take advantage of the situation and provide a valuable public service.”
The 5-week course recommends developing a whole survival strategy, from carrying a specialized zombie emergency pack, which you should carry with you at all times, and a routine which familiarizes you with good potential for staying during sieges, or for re-supplying yourself. Marshall not only gives you a list of these items and suppliers, he also sells starter kits. These are offered at a discount for anyone taking his course.
The intensive program includes a course on marksmanship, to improve participant’s aim, especially under pressure from furibund former people, how to maximize ammunition and kill shots straight to the head, and choosing the best ammunition for your emergency survival pack.
Another course focuses on cardiovascular training to stay fit to best outrun shambling hoards of undead Americans.
There is a course on basic survival, including a few lessons on preventing disease, (especially if the particular strain which causes a zombie apocalypse mutates, and becomes transmitted in ways besides a bite from a zombie), and how to find food after all the non-perishables have perished or been exhausted.
“Training footage,” in the form of zombie movies, will be required homework. There will also be time set aside for philosophical discussions, such as “is it possible to reform a zombie?” and “why do zombies always seem to aim their gazes up at the sky, and how do they still manage to see their prey?”
On a lighter note, there is a course on “fooling” zombies, which offers advice on disguising yourself as a zombie to pass through a horde, or using distraction techniques such as throwing shiny objects, or using makeup to appear “already bitten, thanks.”
I’ve been thinking about zombies quite a bit lately, as you can tell. I almost think that I would take that course. Or, maybe it would be fun to actually sell it. Could make some dollars, I think.
furibund / FUR – eh – BUND / furious, frenzied