This is another story that was inspired by the real events of today. The nugget of the story was really funny when it occurred to me, and then, as I started typing, it sorta became too obvious, and a bit stupid to me. As I write this, I’m hoping that I find enough of something to make it more of a story and less of a one-liner. The prospects aren’t looking good.
A suspicious parcel caused a Lafayette, Colorado, school to suspend classes yesterday. The questionable item was a stuffed Kermit the Frog, with a spray of what appeared to be blood. The area was evacuated, and the area locked down. The item turned out to be harmless.
The person responsible for sounding the alarm said “It was the whole package, and its threateningly sinister demeanor seemed more than perspicuous to me. Disguising a bomb or other malicious item as a toy to be picked up at a school is not an unheard of tactic used in many places throughout the world. I do not think reporting the problem and closing the school was a irrational over-reaction, as some people have said.”
The fall out from this even might be serious, as school children across the country purchase red paint and stuffed animals to send to their schools in hopes that they can get a day off of their own. Schools can expect daily attempts to thwart the opening of school with parcels of mangled toys.
“In my wildest dreams, before this day, I never thought of such a brilliant way to close the school,” said Ashley Knott. “I always imagined that to get the day off, I’d have to set off the fire sprinkler’s or something. This worked much better. Maybe I’ll try and get like, one of those Cabbage Patch dolls and put a noose on it or something. That’d be more disturbing, and I wouldn’t mind ‘killing’ one of them.”
Others are more interested in who might’ve left the Kermit doll, speculating that perhaps the real message is still unclear. “I think maybe it’s an anti-French sentiment. I mean, ‘frog’ and ‘dead.’ That seems an even more obvious message, and frankly, while I’m no Francophile, this disturbs me.”
Another suggested that maybe there was no hidden message at all. Matt Crowley, a teacher at the school, noted, “Maybe some kid just left his or her play-thing lying around. It’s not like it would be the first time.”
Most of the faculty remain unconvinced. “It *has* to mean something. No one would get red stuff all over a Kermit doll. Maybe it’s voodoo. Could it have something to do with Haiti?”
The suggestion that the doll is some sort of “Weird Haiti thing” has triggered a wave of popular support amongst the faculty. They are guessing that maybe it’s a curse, and that the school must remain closed indefinitely, until an expert can be called and consulted on the matter. Other suggest that the school take special pains to give the toy a proper funeral to be sure that it doesn’t become and un-dead monster, killing anything in its path. Kermit should not be turned into an evil plaything. After all, it’s not easy being green.
I think I can live with that. Hope you all have a wonderful Thursday.
perspicuous / per – SPEH – que – us / plain; obviously stated because of the clarity and precision of the presentation.