I’ve been having some rather odd network problems, which, granted, are small in the scheme of things, but, which have forced me to do some very odd things. Yesterday, I had to look something up, and since I couldn’t go to Google, I had to use a book. Horrible. I’m glad, at least, I had a book that contained the information I needed. Hopefully I’ll get that solved soon.
The bathroom, once a center of quiet reflection, has now become a frequent scene of terror. Lurking in the waters of that most important of bathroom fixtures is a danger once thought to be benign, attacking when people are most vulnerable. He remains out of sight until it is too late, navigating the “waters” of the plumbing, and sailing his craft from house to house, rising from the depths to deliver a deadly harpoon attack to anyone who tries to pollute his waters.
This toilet water sailor, once an icon of clean bowls everywhere, seems to have gotten tired of being “dumped” on, and furious that his efforts to maintain a “tidy bowl” are thwarted multiple times every single day.
Once a source of light-hearted humor, the former pitchman realized the indignity and futility of his situation and turned from the tidy toilet talker into a truculent terrorist.
People are becoming afraid to even enter the bathroom, for fear of their very lives. Attacks seem to occur most frequently at night, when fatigue reduces vigilance and increases the likelihood of an easy to surprise target, and heightens the impact of the horror for the other persons in the household and around the nation. No one wants to discover their loved one, murdered in such an undignified fashion.
Far worse than the legends of crocodiles in the sewer, the fact of a rampaging toilet bowl man is creating unprecedented panic. No one appears to be safe.
The National Guard has been working to secure the nation’s toilets against this foe, but, he continues to avoid capture. The terror alert level has been placed on red, the highest level, and citizens are asked to be vigilant for signs of this monster, and report suspicious swirling immediately.
No one is lingering while doing “their business.” Reading material has been banished in bathrooms across the country. Subscriptions to the “Reader’s Digest” have plummeted.
In related news, the country is facing a shortage of adult diapers, as people avoid using their plumbing. Environmentalists are torn between celebrating the reduction in water usage for toilets, and bemoaning the rise in landfill waste devoted to diapers.
A few entrepreneurs are thriving in the atmosphere of terror. These people have developed Kevlar toilet tank blockers to prevent access to the toilet bowl from the plumbing. Sales are soaring, and the company is struggling to meet the demand, while being concerned about what they will do once the crisis passes.
The tidy bowl man on a murder spree? Why not? It seemed like a good idea at the time.
truculent \ TRUH – cue – lant \ 1. deadly or destructive 2. displaying ferocity