Word of the Day: "mephitical"

As perfect as a paring of wine and cheese, is the pairing of this tale with yesterday's tale. It's a cheese-a-pa-looza...

Today's Word:

mephitical

As in:

Tempers flared at the 1st annual meeting of turophiles and dairy farmers which was held this week at the National Cheese Emporium. The conference members were more than put out given the fact that, despite its name, there was not one scrap of cheese to be found in the shop. Worse, the meeting was disrupted by a swarm of protesters from various anti-cheese factions. Among those factions were the lactose-intolerant, the intolerant of those who are lactose intolerant, the Haters of Mephitical Cheeses (who were fighting against the production of Limburger Cheese)and the Disciples of the First Church of Easy Cheese.

The First Church of Easy Cheese which was trying to force the turophiles to recognize Easy Cheese and other pasteurized processed cheese foods as true members of the cheese family. This unorthodox religious group, whose preferred Cheese of Ease, that which can be squirted from a can, was formed to honor the product they insist is a tool of enlightenment. According to the holy writ of the sect, the product is believed to induce prophesy and has hallucinatory properties when unhealthy quantities of the stuff is consumed in a short period of time.

Also present were members of the Inalienable Rights of Cheese Food, a powerful lobby. This group was asserting its manifesto, which insists that cheese food is and intelligent, independent organism. As an intelligent species, cheese food is deserving of the right to live as a free species, and should not be seen merely as the staple that one feeds to one's cheese. Intelligent beings, they proclaim, should not be fodder for any species, much less an non-intelligent life-form.

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I suppose most people aren't aware that cheese was such a controversial subject, so I am glad to bring these issues to any who are unaware of the nuances of fermented curd.

mephitical / meh - FEH - tick - al / : stinking; noxious.

Word of the Day: "turophile"

I'm having thoughts, and schemes, and also various layers of exhaustion. It's ok, it's not you, it's me. It might be best for me to pull over and stop this intro before the delirium becomes strangely contagious and you don't want to read about...

Today's Word:

turophile

As in:

The young turophile walked into the tiny Italian restaurant. A lovely aroma filled the air, and the young man was filled with the hope that this restaurant, tiny though it was, would be the one that fulfilled his culinary ambitions. He cautiously strode to an empty table in a corner of the dimly lit room, fully aware that as promising as this restaurant seemed from the outside, one simple test remained, and failure meant instant disappointment. And then it came, as he hurriedly scanned the menu, ignoring the flowing script and elegant speech. Alas, this lovely menu proclaimed to all his deepest fears and deflated his hopes in an instant: The seven-cheese lasagna included mozzarella. Devastated, the man cried in disdain, giving voice to the pain which understood by all turophiles.

"Mozzarella?! Mozzarella???!!!!!!! Mozzarella is not a CHEESE! Mozzarella is merely a lactic fermentation!"

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Short, and tangy. Or something.

turophile / TUR - o - file / a connoisseur of cheese : a cheese fancier

Word of the Day: "matutinal"

I admit it, I really like this story. I'm not sure what else to say in this part, so, I'll just shut up.

Today's Word:

matutinal

As in:

As the early morning light began to drink in the cool moisture of the evening's rainfall, the small denizens of the deep earth squiggled to the surface to rejoice in the bounty of wetness. Not knowing their peril in such a flight, the pitiable earthworms tunnel toward the outside world, and squirm onto pavement or sidewalk to partake of the vast reservoirs of unabsorbed rain water.

And as humans, absorbed in their matutinal tasks, walk ignorantly around these thin, wilting corpses, the morning light swiftly illuminating the fading richness of their once colorful bodies. Callous to the tragedy of the scene, busy humans pass the dying, these tiny tillers of the soil, whose small sparks of life are drained into the cold hardness of man-made stony paths.

But, thanks to the power of modern technology, we can now hear the dying thoughts of the common earthworm.

Here are a few of those thoughts.

"Wet. Open-ness. Cold. Hard. No down into softness. Jimmmmmmmy."

"Oh, sure. Big ground-pounders avoiding my soon to be dead self. Avoiding getting my goo on their pounding stompers. I hope my family avoids your corpse, pal."

"Hovering shape. Beak. Ouch. Nooooooooooo!!!!!"

"And so to mine own end I go. No more to be divided. No more to merely tunnel. I have reached for the sun, and, in reaching, I die."

"They call me Dr. Worm. Good Morning. How are you? I'm Dr. Worm."

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The dying thoughts of earthworms. Strange? Yes. Isn't that why you read the Word of the Day? Of course, the last thought was brought to you by They Might Be Giants. For those that don't know, they have a song called "Doctor Worm." Of course, the last line of this tale is from that song.

matutinal / MAT-oot-in-al / happening in the morning.

Word of the Day: "misopedia"

I've had a very exhausting and weird end of the week. Yesterday, while in a pathetic state, my youngest sister asked me what she could to help. I jokingly replied, "You could write a Word of the Day," She said "okay," and wrote the following. I didn't get it posted last night, but save it for today. My sister says it was inspired by the movie "Hot Lead and Cold Feet," but, that isn't the only inspiration, as you'll see as you read...

Today's Word:

misopedia

As in:

Just when you thought your "Jon and Kate Plus 8" fatigue couldn't reach further depths, sources close to the couple announced that Jon Gosselin would be undergoing treatment in a psychiatric facility. This vaguely interesting development came after Jon made a most peculiar announcement. The reality show refugee stated in a recent poorly attended press conference: “I never wanted to leave Kate and the kids! All this was done by my evil twin brother! For the last several months, he has kept me locked in an abandoned house. This is all his fault!”

This bizarre statement came on the heels of legal action by Jon’s attorney, who has been working to stop filming for the highly rated reality show. Jon began the proceedings when he learned that TLC had decided to change the title of the show to “Kate Plus 8” and to reduce Jon’s role in the series. Many believe this is wild story is simply an act of desperation, and that Jon is again trying to avoid blame in the failure of his marriage.

“He simply can’t accept that he keeps making the situation worse for himself! Seriously, spending time with dozens of different younger women in compromising situations; refusing to even look for a job; blaming everything on Kate and her own personality flaws... An evil twin? That's the oldest dodge in the book. He just wants back on the gravy train and he doesn’t want to have to take any blame.”

Friends of Kate Gosselin revealed that “Kate is very saddened by Jon’s extremely rapid mental decline. She is working with the courts to have Jon declared legally incompetent until he can learn to tell the truth and quit dating her doctors' daughters. Kate is also looking forward to moving forward with “Kate Plus 8” once Jon is safely in a hospital that can keep him from being a danger to her and her children." Others say that if you substituted "children" with "income," you'd be closer to the real source of her "fears."

Jon continues to insist that his hitherto unknown twin brother emerged from hiding in 2007, just after the first episodes of the show aired. Jon states that this twin started to demand money from Jon to keep himself "in cheese and crackers."

This twin, who is small and whiny, (or, nearly identical to Jon) is called Eli, and he was raised in an orphanage. Eli had a difficult childhood, and, as a result, developed a severe form of misopedia.

Jon claims he grew weary of the emotional blackmail from his brother and tried to break off ties, at which time his brother kidnapped him and took his place in the Gosselin house. “He lost me my job, he started getting me in fights with Kate, and he made me look like a totally incompetent boob on national television! He must be stopped!”

One person commented that this ridiculous tale was probably just another ploy to keep the family in the news, and that this family has gotten addicted to seeing themselves on TV. Another remarked that "well, this was probably the same reason why they had sextuplets after having a set of twins in the first place."

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Type to you next week.

misopedia / mis - OH - pee - dee - ah / a severe dislike of children, esp one's own