How Can You Tell if Your Clothes Hate You?

Jeans pocket

I am certain there are a number of items in my wardrobe that have the power to attract the food items that have the strongest stain-leaving capabilities directly to the fabric most likely to be ruined. These items will absorb every molecule of potential stain-causing material, not just the substances with the worst reputations for leaving lasting souvenirs.

Usual suspects, like pasta with red sauce, or finger foods slathered in BBQ or hot sauce are not the only things that represent mortal danger to your wardrobe.   I’ve encountered salads with stealthy rogue peas, coated in just enough dressing to roll out of the clutches of your silverware, and happily bounce across your front leaving a trail of greasy tears in its wake. One single pea.

It’s practically inconceivable that one tiny pea could leave a stream of dressing wide enough to look like a full necktie has been drawn on your top, but, there, I’ve just conceived it. It wouldn’t be so bad if the pea would’ve managed to drive straight or pick a path that was centered. Where are all the warnings about drunken peas?!

If you are wearing white, your accessory will be tomato-based. If black, look out for sour cream, ranch dressing or whipped topping. Your clothes know to attract the sauce that will achieve maximum visibility, and prove that your clothes are trying to show to the world *exactly* how much they hate you.

At first, I thought it was just me.

Clearly, I was destined to coat my clothing with the memories of a thousand meals. I decided to embrace my front full of food. I could start an entire fashion trend, where it was *stylish* to wear decorative “dressings.” Accessorizing with food would be cheaper than buying boxes full of jewelry. I could brush off the horrified glances and assumptions of sub-human table manners by cheerfully proclaiming that every spot was an intentional and carefully considered contribution to my ensemble.

There are a few flaws in my plan to turn “stain” into “sparkle.”

I am not well known for being “fashion forward.” There are hobos with better instincts for fashion trends than me.  I can barely convince myself that my own fashion trend is legitimate, much less be persuasive enough to sell the notion to the actual glitterati. Best I could hope for is a show of support from an eccentric hipster crowd, who see the idea as a green way to extend the life of garments produced in sweatshops in third world countries. This is the crowd that uses their pockets to produce compost. They might even be convinced to refer to stains as “food storage and carbon efficient transport,” if I can figure out how to reconstitute it into actual food with fewer than 10 drops of water.

On second thought, I’ll just pre-treat the stains and hope no one notices.