I had a fairly odd day today. I had started to write this story yesterday, and struggled with it, and then sent a different story instead. Then when I sat down to finish it tonight, it started to sound oddly familiar, and then I realized why. I’d already written it.
The increasing demands on the members of the elite Hijackers International Terrorist Union to qualify and remain on the Union’s roster have necessitated extreme measures.
Changes in the membership guidelines for the HIT-U have included increases in the minimum number of monthly vehicle hijackings, stricter standards for bomb assemblage, and higher expectations for constructing and delivering ransom demands. HIT-U believes the stronger standards will help to bring legitimacy to the skills and services its members have to offer, and will increase the respect for the profession around the world.
These high standards have forced HIT-U members to go to extreme measures. To meet the monthly vehicle hijacking quota, some professional hijackers have resorted to the previously anoetic — hijacking shopping carts filled with groceries, ice cream trucks and pizza delivery vehicles. Hijackers are justifying hitting these targets as “practice” and a way to supplement their income.
Other standards have forced bombers into near bankruptcy buying high-quality explosives, and hostage-takers to take courses in English grammar, composition and rhetoric to make their ransom delivery methods more effective and enjoyable from a literary standpoint.
In exchange for their compliance and heft membership dues, the Union represents its membership in ransom negotiations and during and after legal proceedings. The Union also strives to improve the public perception of the Hostage-Taking and Terrorist professions.
I was reminded of this harbored story idea by the news of the failed Time Square bomber. Our would-be bomber wouldn’t pass muster with HIT-U, I’m quiet certain. Oh well. The notion of a Union for hijackers and Terrorists amused me. I hope it amused you.
anoetic / AN-oh-eh-tic / unthinkable