I am spent for the week. I think I just need to surrender. This is a somewhat grim tale, and I’m hopeful that you will not think me too repugnant for having typed it.
Yesterday a man fulfilled his life dream of being placed in the Guinness Book of World Records. The man, whose identity is to remain secret until the annual volume of the bizarre is published, sometime next year, is the holder of the record for “Time Spent in Living Room Dead Before Being Discovered by Anybody.”
The man was discovered late yesterday after having died Dec 5, 2004. His Christmas tree, with its lights blinking, still stood, and on his lap was the television listings for that evening— a night which passed more than five years
Apparently, the body was discovered only after his landlord stopped receiving rent deposits from the man’s bank account, which had been completely drained by the electric company and the apartment complex.
The man’s goal to be the holder of the record was documented by a lengthy journal entry written two years before his death.
“I don’t care how, but I will be in that *#@*~?~ book,” one entry began. “I even had to threaten the neighbors last week, telling them I will have to beat them if they ever again looked in on me or asked me how I was doing. Don’t they understand I have a record to break? Do they think I don’t now that the minute I have some friend or relative who remotely cares about me, my corpse will be discovered, and I can kiss that record goodbye? Why can’t they just ignore me like everybody else?”
Guinness officials admit that the previous record was a “paltry” one year, three months, twenty seven days. “This is definitely the new standard,” said one official.
The company denies any wrong doing in records such as this, maintaining that “We don’t make these people go out and alienate themselves from their families and friends, mutilate their bodies, abandon their senses, or do the most bizarre and freakish things that a sickly imaginative mind can conceive, we’re just there to record them.”
Guinness has declined to put the video tape of the man’s discovery on their television show saying, “We do occasionally opt for good taste.” and “Actually, we have no reason to show some endomorph sitting still in his living room. We have “The Amazing Lifto” and the bee guy. And please, people, don’t try this stuff at home. But if you do, we’ll be there for you…”
Like I said, a bit grim. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.
endomorph: / IN – doh – morf/ a short, fat person. It’s true. That’s what it means. Look it up if don’t believe me.