It’s Wednesday, and I’ve had the Star’s Hollow High fight song running through my head for many hours. Yes, I know the Star’s Hollow High fight song well enough for it to get stuck in my head.
The advances the information age, it seems, are not confined to the world of the human being. The blending of cultures and ideas has led to a more sophisticated and refined individual, and, interestingly enough, this sophistication has not been confined to the human world.
Apparently, bears at Yosemite National Park have gained an appreciation for imports.
Sadly, long gone are the days of Yogi and Boo-boo, “smarter than average bears” whose intellect has become less than average since the dawning of our technology driven age (of course, though these bears could talk, their extinction could have been predicted by their constant mispronunciation of “picnic” to the dreadful, and, admittedly, occasionally charming, “pic-a-nic”).
Today’s bears have gone ahead of those bathetic basket burglars. Yes, when today’s bears select probable targets, they chose small sedans. But not just any sedans. No. Today’s bears are of a far superior breed. They prefer Hondas. And, occasionally, Toyotas.
Bears are especially fond, it seems, of imported chocolates and cheese, taking only the finest Swiss confections and aged cheeses. Unacceptable now are cheese-flavored food products and inferior junk foods campers at one time packed. The cultured bear of the information age is selective, ripping apart only imported cars to heist imported delicacies.
Unfortunately, say park officials, the bears’ new found sophistication has led them to lift their noses at drinking from the rivers of the park. These bears only drink bottled Evian. Trout is far too ordinary for the “smarter than the smarter than average” bear, and salmon is the only acceptable fish, and it must be served, grilled to perfection, in an exquisite lemon-dill sauce.
Some park rangers are concerned that these bears, with their exclusive palates, will avoid commonplace and traditional bear food and will, in their snobbery, starve in large numbers, thus polluting the park with their “superior” corpses.
Yeah, the fight song is still in there.
bathetic / BATH-e-tic / extremely commonplace or trite.