It’s Monday yet again, and that means that you are opening your e-mail to find this lovely little package. Think of it as a belated Valentine from me to you.
Of course, it being me, it is a slightly warped Valentine. And, you being you, reading this at all, you probably don’t mind so much.
This year, the IOC has approved an Olympic Games for a unique subset of the “differently-abled,” and invited athletes from all over the world to participate in the first games of its kind in Vancouver.
The first Zombie Olympics will take place the week after the traditional games have ended. As the number of events that Zombies are able to perform are limited by their special conditions, both the summer and winter events are going to be held at the same time.
Summer events include distance shambling, the brain maze obstacle course, and the weight pulling events. In obstacle course events, the athletes are given a limited amount of time to get through a course where the succulent brains have been completely hidden, and must be detected using scent only. In weight-pulling events, the competitors are strapped to large weights, and pull them in pursuit of tempting platters of flesh.
Winter sports include ice dancing, which is a non-skate event, snow shoeing, which involves racing through snow in shoes, and sledding, which involves pairs of zombies in bobsled-type vehicles on snowy hills.
In all zombic sports, contestants are not penalized for lost body parts, and each event usually has several “clean-up” periods between races to clear the courses of any debris.
Zombies are divided into two classifications based upon their speed class. The “classic” category, often referred to as the “Romero Zombies,” are noted for much slower race times. The “Half-Life” category is for those zombies capable of much faster speeds.
Critics of the event object to the exploitation of these athletes, as well as the term “Zombie.” Preferring the term “Unwell,” they feel that these sorts of events are nothing more than a way to experiment on the undead, and they are adamant that this quixotic, zombic Olympiad is simply degrading to both the healthy and the Unwell.
Clearly, I have Zombies on the brain lately.
Some may object to today’s word choice as being far too familiar. I chose it in honor of Bob Costas, who used it in the opening ceremonies broadcast on Friday, and given the subject matter, it was a no-brainer. Pun totally intended.
quixotic / quick – ZOT – ick / foolishly impractical; marked by rash, lofty, actions. Capricious.