I’m something of a sucker for obscure holidays, in large part because they offer such a wealth of material for the Word of the Day. And today’s story is evidence of this. Today is National Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day. Seriously. I could not possibly make that up. Well, maybe. But, why would I?
In observance of National Answer your Cat’s Questions day, a novitious and obscure holiday invented for reasons that are unlikely to make any sense, an “Answer Fair” will be held downtown today. The fair will have booths selling catnip, mice on a stick and balls of yarn, as well as cat whisperers, cat translators, and other cat-related paraphernalia for cat owners to spend vast sums of money.
The booths of cat whisperers and translators will see cats so that their owners can gain an insight into what their cat might be thinking, and possibly what their questions might be so that they might be able to provide answers, thus fulfilling the letter of the holiday’s observance.
After strolling the stalls and seeing a wider selection of merchandise for cats and with pictures of cats than any human ever imagined existed, Nora Rosen was filled with anticipation, ready to wait in line to learn more about her cat than she had dreamed. She wasn’t sure if she believed that these people could glean the questions hidden within the mind of the mysterious feline, but, it would be interesting to see if anything they said made sense. She had brought her cat Schrödinger to the fair to learn what was behind that Mona Lisa smile of his, but, more than that, she hoped she could just get him to stop shredding furniture and spraying things As much as she loved her cat, sometimes, his destructive tendencies were not only frustrating, but costly. If she could find a way to prevent the worst of his habits, it would be worth it. Secretly, she was also excited to be able to know what her cat thought of her.
She set the feline in front of the panel of experts. Moments passed. The cat whisperer spoke, in the words only a cat would speak.
“Why are you bothering to answer my questions? As if you could understand them. Don’t you people have better things to do than trying to talk to cats, or putting captions on cat pictures? We don’t give a rotted bird carcass for your stupid cheeseburger. They’re all cooked and gross. If we wanted to talk to you furless monsters, we would, and we’d spell correctly using the paw-adapted keyboard we designed but you can’t see. What makes you thing we’d demean ourselves and use your filthy language anyway? Enough. Stop with the yarn. We demand catnip, and tuna.”
Getting what we think we’d like can be disappointing. Especially in the case of cats.
novitious / no – VISH – us / newly invented